Holidays, Evil Ewoks, and Biggie Smalls: A Glimpse Into the Mind of a Crazy Person December 21, 2009

It’s December 21 and I am DONE with Christmas shopping.  Even the stocking stuffers have been purchased, y’all.  Usually I am in spazzmatic shopping mode at the time because I realize I forgot something/someone important and find myself battling the crowds.  But no.  Apparently I am On Top of Things this year.  Well, except for wrapping gifts.  And I didn’t send out any cards, which is a damn shame.  I had this awesome idea and it was gonna be so cool but it seems that if there were a progress report for holiday activities mine would read ”CKD participates in class but does not always follow through on projects.”  Whatever.  I am saving the environment…or totally lost track of the time-space continuum.  Tomato, tomahto.

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Last night I had a very realistic dream that this evil rogue Ewok was trying to get me.  It was impervious to all forms of weaponry and while it sort of broke my heart that I was doing harm to an Ewok, I didn’t really have a choice now, did I?  He was clearly out to get me, and Lando Calrissian wasn’t doing a damn thing about it.  I have no idea why Lando was there instead of Luke or Han, but my subconscious remains a mystery for the ages.  FYI: I told my mom about this dream and she advised me to keep it to myself.  But come on, Interweb.  What other purpose does my life serve than to amuse and horrify you?

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So, apparently the entire world is expecting me to get engaged this holiday season and while I hate to burst anyone’s bubble (unless you are an evil rogue Ewok in which case DIEDIEDIEMOTHERFUCKERDIE), that is just not happening.  A relative made a comment to Ed and me to this effect and the poor boy’s head damn near blew up and we both started shrieking “NO!” over and over.  But I’m pretty sure he’s hooking me up with some Sour Patch Kids in my stocking (not a euphemism) so I’m pretty stoked.  Plus, this is the first Christmas in something like three or four years where I haven’t been curled up in bed with a fever or strep or something frightening which really is a gift.  Eating all kinds of awesome food is pretty much the highlight of this time of year and that loses its appeal when you are barfing all the time. 

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The other night Ed and I watched Notorious, a biopic about Notorious B.I.G aka Biggie Smalls.  It was basically a high school/early college flashback for me, as well as a reminder that we are the world’s whitest couple.  We’re sitting there sipping wine as the East Coast/West Coast feud unfolds before us, which was a sad confirmation that any street cred I ever had at my hippest is a faint memory.  And even then, I’m pretty sure my memory of being cool is clouded by a healthy serving of Jungle Juice (mixed in a garbage can, natch). Still, a night of baking cookies and watching Biggie’s rise to fame and tragic fall pretty much trumps all date nights.

Trying to Find a Theme in This Post is Like…Well, Let’s Just Say It’s Got a Lot Going On, OK? December 15, 2009

Taking kids to see Santa is basically teaching them to completely ignore any and all Stranger Danger lectures.  “No, really, it’s cool.  Sit on this strange guy’s lap, tell him about yourself and then pose for some photos.”  It sounds like the storyline of a Law & Order: SVU episode.  Bubba was uncharacteristically shy during his visit, but wasn’t freaked out the way he was his first Christmas.  He asked for a few things, and it looks like Daddy is going to fold and get him a real drum set.  Given my dad’s generous/crazy nature I’m thinking this might be my year for a pony.

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You know what’s an awesome way to spend a cold, rainy day?  Curled up on a couch under a blankie catching up with a dear friend while her dogs play around the house.  There’s something comforting about being around someone you have known for 20 years.  Our conversations go something like this:

Me: “Is it lame that I totally want a Star Trek t-shirt for myself?”

Her: (without hesitation) “Yes.”

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Ed’s office party happened and I wore something that looked perfectly fine and that’s probably all I am going to say about that night.  Not because I got trashed and danced with a lamp shade on my head or something.  Oh no.  THAT would have been welcome given my actual behavior, which could best be described as full-tilt apeshit crazy with a side order of massively inappropriate.  At one point I ended up apologizing to one of his colleagues because she got caught in the crossfire of my psycho.  Yeah.  It’s…probably better if I don’t go into details, but we are OK now and I feel lucky, quite honestly, to still be in this relationship.  I gave the poor guy ample reason and opportunity to kick my crazy ass to the curb and he didn’t give up on me or us.  Hello, Holiday Miracle.

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I think my casual lifestyle in Chico has wrecked my sense of style and fashion and looking cute.  Pretty sure gaining weight hasn’t helped, but we’ll just let that slide for the moment.  We had brunch with Ed’s former boss on Saturday (Peninsula Creamery – holla), who is eight months pregnant with her second baby and I swear to God she looks infinitely cuter, more stylish and more put together than I do on my best day.  Still, my eggs were good and a waitress complimented my lipstick.  And the former boss was super nice.

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Why does Jon Stewart keep giving me reasons to fall in love with him?  This was up my alley, obviously.

Totally Understanding Why People Get Dumped Around the Holidays December 8, 2009

I’m not sure what has come over me lately but I have been gripped with what can only be described as Christmas Spirit Dipped in Crazy and Wrapped in Batshit Loony Sprinkled with What the Fuck is Wrong with You.

I’d like to blame Ed since he’s Griswolded out his house and just generally really digs this time of year, but nope.  His enthusiasm is still well within the “Normal” range (decorating the house and tree, baking some cookies, watching Christmas Vacation, etc.) and here I am coming up with all kinds of activities and outings and basically handing him reasons to run screaming in the other direction.

Lately I’ve been really excited about doing all manner of totally cheesy, ridiculous holiday related things.  On Sunday I dragged Ed to the Stansbury House for their annual Victorian Christmas..thing.  I wasn’t entirely clear on what was going on there, but I was thoroughly convinced we needed to go and see it and take part and enjoy it, damn it.

 

Walking up to the house:

 

Ed: “So, uh, what is this exactly?  Is there a performance or something?”

Me: (In a ridiculous high-pitched, chipper voice) “I don’t think so.  It’s just…fun.  It’s all…decorated.  For Christmas!  And it’s a Victorian House…with decorations!  And they have cookies and cider.  (Realizing I sound totally nutburgers.) Look, it’s festive and whimsical and I’ve never been so we’re going, OK?”

The house really is cool and the decorations were lovely and they had docents in each room to give you a full history of each room, from the floorboards to the wallpaper, which was sweet and sort of interesting but also kind of overkill.  I mean, I’m not an expert, but I was able to quickly deduce that they ate in the dining room. 

Ed was a great sport until we were practically held hostage in the master bedroom by the Main Historian Guy who was all too eager to regale us with tales of the different carpet patterns.  He shot me a look that said, “Holy hell, Woman, what kind of crap have you dragged me into?”  We finally made our escape when some other visitors came into the room and distracted the guy.

Does anyone else have any sort of holiday-induced craziness?  This isn’t the kind of thing I would normally opt to do on a weekend, and yet I was so excited about it and enthusiastically nodding about the pocket doors to the dining room…I mean, seriously.  Who am I? 

In other news: I am still looking for outfit suggestions for Ed’s company party later this week.  We leave town Thursday so get your ideas in by Wednesday night (aka Panicked Packing Time).

Maybe for Easter I’ll Take Him to the Racetrack December 7, 2009

Friday evening was Bubba’s End of the Semester/Holiday/Don’t Say Christmas, For Fuck’s Sake, Even Though This Thing Is Held in a Church Hall Show.  As usual, our family was front and center, thanks to my dad playing the wheelchair card.  I know, we are probably going to hell, but my dad is awesome for a.) great parking and b.) getting people to let us go in first and have our pick of seats ANYWHERE because if there’s one thing the guy who is always seated needs, it’s more seating.  NOW. 

Anyhoo, the show was The Nutcracker.  Or, a preschool version of The Nutcracker.  Mostly it was some singing and dancing to music from the ballet and the kids alternately sang and cried and waved to their families.  My dad and I proceeded to mock the other kids (see aforementioned: headed straight for hell) and I wondered aloud if it was a requirement that they have eight kids all named Kayleigh, Caylee or Kailee, because there totally were.  I’m pretty sure all those parents were sitting directly behind us.  Judy said we’re not allowed at any more shows but since she needs me to operate one of the five cameras we always have with us I’m, like 99% sure she was bluffing. 

The show was pretty awesome in its utter chaos and then…Bubba had a brief piano solo and he TOOK A LITTLE BOW at the end and then my heart exploded.  He was awesome and did so well and I am utterly impressed by him. 

After dinner, Dad and Judy said Evan could get a gumball out of the machine at the restaurant.  Turns out the restaurant didn’t have a gumball machine anymore.  Whoops.  No worries!  Sissy will save the day!  Since I used to work in the same shopping/office complex where we were eating, I offered to walk Bubba over to the liquor store to get some candy. 

Who takes a preschooler to the liquor store?  Do you really need to ask? 

We stumbled upon a rather heated dispute between a customer and the proprietor over the deposit for some kegs.  From what I could gather, the customer was returning kegs from 2007, and the price had gone up, but he wasn’t getting 2009 prices, and he was mad about that.  As this scene unfolded Bubba decided to give an encore of one of his dance routines from The Nutcracker.  Yeah, it’s a DeFazio Family Holiday.

I’ll Have Some Cheese and Crackers with my Whine December 3, 2009

I don’t know what the hell has come over me, but I have been gripped with malaise, ennui, and an overwhelming case of irrationality. 

I mean, I freaked the fuck out last night because some of my East Coast/Central time zone Facebook friends posted spoilers over last night’s Glee before it aired in California.  Um, WHAT THE HELL, CKD?  Get a grip.  Get some perspective.  Get a fucking life. 

To be fair, the freakout wasn’t just about finding out about a plot twist of some TV show.  I mean, I’m crazy, but not, like, Psycho Hose Beast Crazy.  I am finding that I crack under the dumbest things when I feel pressure building up against me.  The challenge for me has always been recognizing the signs that I am reaching a breaking point, and taking a moment to stop, breathe, and take care of myself before I fall apart. 

If nothing else, I owe it to the people around me to hold my shit together.

This Can’t Be Good November 30, 2009

Guess who woke up with a sore throat today?  Guess who is shitting herself because she didn’t get a flu shot?  Guess who has a raging case of hypochondria mixed with general craziness?

 

I’m not kidding about the hypochondria.  WebMD has only made it easier for me to self-diagnose and discover a whole new world of diseases.  In the past I have dagnosed myself with the following:

 

• Anthrax
• Unborn Tumor Twin
• Unborn Tumor Baby
• Avian Bone Syndrome
• West Nile
• Malaria

 

I’m hoping this doesn’t develop into anything serious since I have an insane week ahead of me.  Plus, I’m pretty sure no one can handle me when I think I’m seriously ill but just have allergies.

 

Completely random aside: how screwed is Tiger Woods?  I kind of love that his beautiful, elegant wife chased his ass down with a GOLF CLUB in the middle of the night.  It’s exactly as US Magazine says: celebrities are just like us, crazy pissed off wives and all.  Awesome.

Tired. So Very, Very Tired. November 30, 2009

Hi y’all.  I have resurfaced from the Land of Shopping and Decorating and Errands, Oh Fuck Are We DONE Yet?

 

And I have been a complete joy the whole time!

 

It has been a busy busy weekend what with Griswolding out the house, decorating the interior, shopping for gifts, and shopping for food and booze for a party next weekend.  I am ready to slip into a coma.  Or eat pie.  And maybe have some wine.  Oh, and where’s that cheese I opened up…?

 

And appropos of nothing, Costco should market itself as contraception.  Five minutes in that place on a weekend and I’m ready to have my tubes tied.

Bucking Tradition November 28, 2009

Today I participated in something I swore I’d NEVER EVER YOU CAN’T MAKE ME do.  Interweb, I went shopping on Black Friday.

 

<Pause for dramatic effect.>

 

Fun fact: in college I worked at Target for a brief time.  And always on Black Friday, when people are at their cheeriest and most gracious.  Oh wait.  I meant most wretched and fucking ridiculous.

 

M family had never really been into the post-Thanksgiving rush and I usually just shop here and there and prefer to spend the day in sweats eating leftovers.  Just like the Pilgrims intended.  I mean, I highly doubt they picked up those smallpox blankets on super-sale at Walmart.

 

And yet today, in an attempt to meet Ed halfway in his family’s traditions and near-manic holiday glee, I woke up before the sun was up.  Sure I threatened to murder my boyfriend unless he brought me some coffee, but my eyes were open, damn it, and we left the house earlier than we do on a normal work day.  Seriously,  I don’t even recognize myself right now.  Also, I have never seen so many people in velour pants in my life.

 

Bubba is getting a sweet-ass Buzz Lightyear toy and since I didn’t see Santa dodging the crowds I fully intend to take all the credit for its awesomeness.  Bonus: it talks and makes noises, which means it will definitely annoy my dad.  I also got a few more things for other family members, and Ed and his mom scored some good stuff too.  As much as I wasn’t feeling the whole gotta-have-it vibe of strangers, I must admit it’s nice to have a good chunk of shopping complete.

 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to consume mass quantities of wine and pizza.  Seems fitting after spending any amount of time at Toys R Us.

Happy Thanksgiving, Jive Turkeys! November 26, 2009

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday and peaceful times. 

 

I am so grateful for so many people and things and sometimes I can’t believe how amazing life is.  I know that I bitch a lot, but I find that when I put it out there that I’m frustrated or hurt or just flat-out annoyed, the universe has a way of bringing good right back at me and reminding me that everything’s gonna be OK.  I am grateful for this forum in which to express myself and even more grateful for friends and visitors who read and laugh and commiserate.

 

If you are traveling, be safe.  And if you are cooking, I salute you.  Couldn’t pay me enough to stick my hand up a dead bird’s ass so way to take one for the team.

What to Wear Wednesday: Boot Quest ‘09 and Holiday Festivities: Special Double Freak Out November 25, 2009

This week CKD needs your help (yes, YOU) with a few wardrobe-related quandaries.

 

1.) Boot Quest ‘09 is ON bitches and I am having a hell of a time.  Last year’s mission was accomplished during a visit to DSW and I fear I may need to, once again, drive hours away to find something a.) cute and b.) in my budget. 

 

Here’s what I’m looking for: flat/low-heeled (around 1″ or so) tall boots that can be worn with jeans tucked in, pulled over, AND, preferably with a dress or skirt.  Apparently this is impossible and I might as well shop for the Holy Grail filled with unicorn tears.  I am down with either black or brown, but was thinking a nice cognac color would be different and still neutral enough to work with my wardrobe.

 

Have I lost the guys yet?  Yeah, I thought so.  Moving on!

 

2.) For the last couple of years I have lamented the lack of holiday parties in my life that require some snazziness.  I haven’t worked anywhere with a “real” Christmas party since 2002 or so and I always enjoyed the whole dressing up aspect.  (And also the open bar, but that’s neither here nor there.)  The attire was usually somewhere in the “cocktail/LBD” range and I knew what that meant. 

 

This year, I am Ed’s +1 to his company shindig and I am at a loss as to what to wear for several reasons.  First off, the party is AT the office after work and I don’t want to show up looking crazy-over-dressed as everyone else hangs out in business casual.  Second, this will be the first time I meet many of his co-workers at the Bay Area office and I want to make a good impression.  Finally, these are a bunch of creative-designer-young-hip-Silicon-Valley types and I don’t want to roll in looking like a total rube.  I am not planning on wearing bib overalls so I guess I’m off to a decent start there.

 

So, dear harbingers of good taste and fashion, can you help the hopeless?  If so, go for it in the comments, email me photos, or kidnap my clueless ass for some shopping.