What I’m Not Supposed to Talk About

But first: thank you for the kind words about Scout.  I received many emails and while it may seem melodramatic to mourn a pet like this, all I know is that she was family.

 

So, who wants to talk about babies?  (Spoiler: There is no grand pregnancy announcement at the end of this post.)

For a good chunk of my adult life thus far I held a fairly strong “No Kids for Me, But Thanks!” stance.  Not that I didn’t like babies or children; I just could never envision myself as a parent.  But at the same time, every now and then I’d think, “Eh, maybe I could do the parenting thing.  But for now?  I shall make out with this fireman!”  Basically, I was never one of those people for whom kids was a dealbreaker in relationships, and so I dated a lot of guys who were either on the fence, or staunchly anti-parenting (in addition to plenty of men who definitely wanted kids… because I got around, yo).  And it was fine.  In some weird way I figured that if I was regularly attracted to/in relationships with guys who weren’t expecting me to have kids, then that had to mean something; it was the universe’s way of saying, “You’re not meant to be a mom.” 

And then I met Ed and the ambivalence about marriage and kids fell by the wayside.  I could see myself married to him and not hating it.  I could see us raising pasty-white kids and not being totally freaked the fuck out.  Maybe it’s backwards, but it wasn’t until I met the right person who would be in the parenting boat with me* that I realized, “Oh YEAH.  THAT.  That could work.”  It seemed my past aversion to having children was a result of the timing and the players being less than ideal.  It makes sense to me that now that I’m in a better position than in any previous time in my life (other than the age of my eggs, but I was too busy with soccer practice back when they were at their optimum performance) that a family sounds more appealing and less panic-attack inducing than in years past. 

Still, every now and then, doubt creeps in.  If I haven’t always felt the desire to be a mother, will I be a good one?  My life is fun and happy and full as it is now.  I think I – we - would continue to be happy even if kids didn’t happen.  Does that mean I’m not - for lack of a better term - qualified to be a parent?  Is it dickish of me to consider adding to the crowded planet’s already stretched out resources?**  Am I an asshole for even wanting more.  I mean, we have it pretty fucking great: jobs that keep us in good cheese, a roof over our heads, good health, and a host of other blessings.  Am I pushing it by even thinking that adding another person to the mix is something we deserve?  And most importantly: Do they make baby sunscreen in SPF 75?  Because you know a kid with our genes will need that shit. 

Like I wrote at the beginning, I am not pregnant so there is no tidy, definitive conclusion or surprise! announcement.  Just a lot of questions. 

* And in no way do I mean for all of this to be terribly heteronormative or dismissive of single parents.  I only know that for me, single parenting wasn’t really an option.   Mostly because I feel like there needs to be an adult in the house and we all know that isn’t me.

** Adoption has not been ruled out as an option.

5 thoughts on “What I’m Not Supposed to Talk About

  1. Yes! I mean, the official stance here is We Want Kids and Would Be Psyched About Two Pink Lines on a Pee Stick, but that doesn’t mean I’m entirely confident that I’m going to be a great mom. Or a natural at it. Oddly, I am not worried at all about pregnancy or the ability to keep a kid alive. It’s more about… I don’t know. I guess because everyone talks up having children as the BEST AND MOST IMPORTANT, EXCITING, FULFILLING THING EVER!!!!! I wonder if I find it frustrating or difficult at times – am I shitty person/parent?

    Fuck it, I say we get another dog.

  2. I want a kid, and sometimes I think I want one soon…but then I think about how much I like beer and going wherever whenever. I think you will be a great mom. Your kid will be smart and have a different insight on life and the world with you as a mother. Which in my opinion is needed greatly! I think we are MAYBE going to try my 3rd year of school. Who knows I have already chickened out 3 times. I love my Nuva ring!!! You can do cousin and you will do it well!!!

  3. It’s a testament to how right your relationship with Ed feels when you make the transition from not thinking about children to seriously considering your ability to be a mom. That’s really awesome, Christen! When the time is right, you’re gonna seriously rock as a mom to your super pasty white kids!!! :0)

  4. You would make a great mom! I definitely want to make babies with Brian Wilson, but I think you making babies with Ed is a great idea! If it’s meant to happen, it will, and if it doesn’t, well, your life will be just as rich. Good luck to you! Miss you . . . this summer will give me some opportunities to visit, and please let me know when you are in town, because I would love to see you!

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