*Claps hands together purposefully*

Moving on!

• Mad Men season 4 is finally available OnDemand and do you know what this means?  A renewed desire for a bar cart at my desk AND we will be all caught up in time for season 5 to premiere in March.  The excitement in our home is palpable.  Might be a sign that we need to pursue some new interests.
• A much-needed downpour hit this area over the weekend, resulting in ridiculous “puddles” around our office.  Parts of the parking lot and the area in front of one of our doors are impossible to walk through without rendering yourself ankle-deep in water.  As a result, I am wearing very comfortable clogs, which keep me feet warm and dry, but make me look like Liz Lemon in her bicurious shoes.  CKD: Bringing the Sexy Since Never.
• I managed to pop a rib out of place last week, which meant my first visit to a chiropractor.  I was nervous, to put it mildly.  I feared MORE pain (if that was possible) and that I would need to take off my pants.  Both issues were equally concerning to me, and I was assured by many that it would likely not hurt, and I could keep my pants on.  Not so reassuring?  The chiropractor agreeing with me that I am a mess.  My upper back is tense?  You mean the area where I hold all tension and that aches when I am stressed or sick?  YOU DON’T SAY.  The fortunate news is that she feels like she can help and I’m not a lost cause. 
• Speaking of doctor’s appointments, does anyone else prepare for those like it’s a third date or something?  Leg-shaving, careful undergarment consideration, maybe some perfume?  Just me?  OK then.
• Issue of Utmost Importance That Requires Your Input, Ideas, and/or Coming Over Here and Just Doing Shit for Me Already: I want to snazz up my workspace at the office.  My first step?  Framing a picture of Ed and me at Alcatraz and putting it on my desk.  (Yes, after more than a year of marriage and almost an entire year at this job, I have a photo of my husband on my desk.  Wife of the Year, kids!)  My dear Lili gave me a beautiful desk calendar that adds a lot of color and style, and I started rifling through things in our house that could be used to hold supplies.  I came up with a small white milk glass pitcher to hold pens, pencils, scissors and the like, and a short square pink vase to hold post-its and pads.  And…that’s it.  I’m not especially interested in everything matching perfectly, and am aiming for a bright, feminine, classy look.  I took to Pinterest for inspiration and came up with some ideas (a small pillow for lumbar support AND to brighten up my ugly burgundy chair is on the list), but I’m curious as to how you make the place where you spend a good chunk of your waking hours prettier, more personal, and/or less “institutional” looking.  But of course, space is at somewhat of a premium (I have a giant-ass monitor and the world’s fugliest printer in addition to a small scanner and an electric typewriter that is bigger than a first-grader covering much of the surface area) and I don’t want things to seem cluttered.  I’m sure this would be much easier if I had some photos of my desk to show you as a “before” or “work in progress” but I have yet to figure out how to take photos of my workspace without someone walking up and asking what the hell am I doing. 

Man, after reading that last rambling paragraph I’m thinking that chiropractor was right on: I am a mess.

Hope you have a great week, Interweb.  Rock your frumpy-yet-totally-practical-in-the-rain shoes with pride.

Dear Bubba,

Oh, kid.  You.  You are too much.

Over the last year you have made a fairly seamless transition from preschool to kindergarten and from little kid to true big kid.  YOU CAN SLEEP ON THE TOP BUNK NOW!  Shit is getting real, is what I’m saying.

One of the most exciting (for me, at least) aspects of watching you this last year has been how your relationship with Ed has grown.  You have readily and happily accepted him as your brother, and you two have your own little games, routines, and jokes.  You’re still shy with the hugs, but now and then I catch you moving from the spot next to him right into his lap, resting your head on his shoulder.  It warms my cold, dead heart to see two of my favorite people care for each other so much and so easily.

Your wit and sense of humor continue to shine through as you make up little stories and puns.  You are reading and spelling like a champ (or, to be more specific, like a second grader), which of course makes your English major sister insanely proud.  You are devouring chapter books as fast as we can buy them or check them out from the library, as long as we honor Dad’s wish that he be able to follow along, too. 

I fear that the famous DeFazio Competitive Streak has found its way to you.  And while you are a fairly sore loser, you can also be kind of a jerky winner.  I’d love to say I don’t know where that came from, but hi, Kettle.  I’m the Pot.  As much as I want to grab you by the shoulders and say, “Hey, be cool!” I know that I need to model that behavior, too, and remember that while you use big words and wipe your own ass, and help make breakfast you are still so young.  There’s time and so much growing to be done.

Speaking of growing: I don’t know how much longer I’ll be able to pick you up and swing you around.  You’re skinny as ever, but all arms and legs and pointy elbows and knees coming at me.  It makes me a little sad that you aren’t small enough for such games anymore, but more than anything it’s thrilling to see you grow strong and healthy.  (Also thrilling?  Your burgeoning geekdom -hello, Star Wars obsession.  When we get into some Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica business it’s going to be crazy.) 

When you were born Dad said he hoped that you would grow up to be strong and use your strength to help others.  You have already done that: you have helped this family become whole and happier than any of us dreamed possible.

I love you, Little Man.  Happy Birthday.

My love always,

Sissy

PS I have taken your request for a nephew under advisement.  No promises, but we’ll see what I can do.

“Sweetie, are you lost?”  I asked him.  He pointed across the street to two little girls playing in another front yard and told me he needed to get to them.  I figured maybe his sisters ditched him or something and he was waiting for a grown-up to walk him across the street, so I offered to take him.

“He lives at that house!” one of the girls yelled to me.

“Oh, honey, you should ask your mommy or daddy if you can go over there.”

“Will you wait for me?”

“Yes, I’ll stay here,” I answered, thinking that maybe once the kid made it known that he was chillin’ on a street corner his parents/guardians/sitter/whoever the fuck was supposed to be keeping him alive would be all, “Oh yes.  You.  Let’s get you inside.”  He walked up to the door, let himself in, and I could see him talking to a woman who was so engrossed in her phone call that she never removed the receiver from her ear to actually TALK TO THE KID.  Some dude was also wandering around in the background, seemingly oblivious to everything happening.  She followed the boy outside as he pointed to me and I offered up a “Hi, I was just running by and saw him so…yeah.  He was out here by himself…” I trailed off.  The woman never removed the phone or stopped her conversation and just sort of acknowledged me with a head nod so I continued on my way.  I didn’t really know what else to do, to tell the truth.  I didn’t have my phone with me, and caling cops or CPS seemed a bit much, and I made sure the adult (seemingly) in charge was aware that the child was outside, but it still bugs me today. 

Some thoughts I had throughout the duration of my outing:

• While I know that I am not a kidnapper/murderer/sketchy person, how did THAT LADY not at least have the GET AWAY FROM MY KID, STRANGER TALKING TO [MY] KID reaction before ascertaining that I wasn’t there to lure the kid into my van with promises of puppies and candy?
• What phone call is SO IMPORTANT and ENGROSSING that you cannot pull yourself away long enough to tend to a child who is trying to make a run for it to another house?
• Is this how things roll for this kid?  He’s left to fend for himself with the hope that he’ll just magically make it to the end of the day in one piece?  Or was this an isolated incident and random case of Distracted Mom/Caregiver?
• Am I one of those dickhead childfree people who unabashedly judges other people without knowing the whole story?  (The answer to this one is likely a resounding YES since I am a pretty judgy dickhead in a lot of areas.)

I don’t really know what my point is here other to rant and reassure myself that I did what I could, I didn’t see the kid being actively abused, don’t know the whole story, etc.  Also: when in the hell did I become Debbie Do-Gooder who’s all about stopping kids from bodily harm?  I mean, I’ve never used a toddler as a human shield before, but I don’t tend to get involved in strangers’ shit.  Perhaps 2012 will be the year of a kinder, gentler me, at least when I literally run into someone who seems to need a little help.

*Yes, I went running, something that seems to have surprised a lot of people.  I am supposed to participate in an upcoming 5k with my sister-in-law, niece, and some friends so I need to get in shape so I don’t poop myself.  Also, having your father-in-law tell you you’re fat will really light a fire in your workout motivation!  In my own stunning display of brilliance I managed to hurt my knee pretty badly…while getting into my car.  Running for the first time in who-knows-how-long?  Not sore in the least.  Getting into my own car to go get lunch?  Almost shattered my knee cap.  Aces.  I probably WILL shit myself during this 5k, won’t I?

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Not as much as I would have liked, but all the new stuff was good:  Started working for a small law firm.  Took a few pregnancy tests and wasn’t terribly worried about the outcome either way.  Had a biopsy that thankfully came up negative.  Hosted Thanksgiving LIKE A BOSS.

2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for this year?

I always have grand plans for some vague “healthy living” and while I’m not stuffingmy face full of lard each day, I could probably stand to improve this area.  I’m just not great at making a resolution, but I try not to be a total dick and maintain good relationships with the people around me.  Usually serves me well.  I’d also like to try and send real, paper snail-mail birthday cards to each of my friends this year.  Not exactly a change-the-world thing, but it kept me connected to people all over and that’s always good.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

I can’t walk around without getting hit by a baby flying out of someone’s vagina these days.  And I have a feeling 2012 will bring more.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

My Uncle Danny and our family dog Scout.

5. What countries did you visit?

None.  See also: massive backyard makeover that ate the bank account and will to live.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you didn’t have in 2011?

Less health stress, which is already the trend.  More casual get togethers with friends.  A true vacation.

7. What dates from 2011 will be etched upon your memory, and why?

October 16 – biopsy day.  October 20 – negative result day.  Our wedding anniversary was pretty great, followed by my cousin’s wedding that same weekend.

8. What was your biggest achievement of this year?

Landing a job.  BOOM.

9. What was your biggest failure?

Not writing enough.  Losing my patience too frequently.  Not saying “thank you” as much as I should.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

See oft-mentioned lady parts issues.  A raging cold-turned-respiratory-infection around Thanksgiving broke my very long streak of good health.  Very excited about the minor nature of these!

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My super sweet soccer mom car!  I fucking love that thing.  Do you know how many cases of wine I can fit in there?

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

Ed’s, for sure.  He makes life better, funnier, and easier in a million little ways each day.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Thankfully no one in my real life, but I get pretty grossed out by a lot of celebrity news.  Sometimes I think about quitting the Interweb because Facebook and trolls can really shake your faith in humanity.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Car payments, home improvement, sushi, and new work clothes.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

My new job!  I get easily excited over the goofiest stuff, so things like seeing The Muppet Movie get me pretty psyched.  What can I say?   I’m a cheap date.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

“Rolling in the Deep” by Adele.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?

a) Happier

b) Same

c) About the same?  I guess?

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Wrote here.  Let go of petty annoyances, although I do think I’m making progress in that area.  Said “fuck it” to errands and to do lists and enjoyed the moment.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Worried about work away from work.

20. How did you spend Christmas?

Christmas Eve at the mother-in-law’s, Christmas day at our house, then headed to Dad’s for Round 3.  We really go full force with multiple days of celebrating.  And by “celebrating” I mean “drinking and eating non-stop.”

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Yes. With Betty Draper and Joan Holloway’s clothes on Mad Men.

22. What was your favorite TV program?

30 Rock, Mad Men, Community, and Parks and Recreation.

23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

This feels like a question for a junior high student.

24. What was the best book you read?

Bossypants was pretty fun and easy.  (Like your mom.)

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?

My greatest musical discovery is that I am generally 6 months behind the general population and just need to own my own lameness.

26. What did you want and get?

A new car, a new job, a happy marriage, a clean bill of health.   My motherfucking rad iPad!

27. What did you want and not get?

Serenity now!

28. What was your favorite film of 2011?

Bridesmaids, The Muppet Movie.

29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 33 and celebrated with a few fancy dinners out.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Not sweating the small stuff.

31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept of 2011?

Mullet-esque: business in front (during the week), party in the back (on the weekends).

32. What kept you sane?

My family and friends.  Wine.

33. What political issue stirred you the most?

Marriage equality and abortion rights. Why in the fuck are politicians worried about shit that ultimately does not affect their lives?

34. Who did you miss?

Bubba, always.  Pretty much all of my long-distance friends and family.

35. Who was the best new person you met?

My little local social circle has expanded this year and I am so excited about the great new friends we’ve made. You know who you are.

36. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011.

I will fucking hate life after more than 3 slices of pizza, whiskey sours, and/or hours in the car without a break.

37. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

Insert something really deep and hipster sounding here.

Me: “Is it awesome?  Do you love it?”

Ed: “Yeah, it’s pretty great.  I’ll pull it out in a minute.”

Me: “And then you’ll show me the iPad?  Hey-OH!” *Puts hand up for him to high-five*

Ed *long sigh followed by an enthusiastic high-five: “Good one.  That was solid.”

And SCENE.

*Ed said it was the most “I was in Oprah’s audience” type moment in his life.  At first they pretended the gifts were tote bags, and then they told everyone that INSIDE each tote bag was an iPad.

Thank you for the hospitality.  Sorry I yacked in your toilet.  I had too much brie and sangria.  It was a great party though. 

She’s right: it was a great party. 

I think our new house motto will be “Come for the brie and sangria, stay for the high thread count sheets and clean toilet for your barfing comfort.”

• Return duplicate gift for one niece and purchase replacement gift.
• Try not to sound like Regina George’s mom while shopping for said nieces.  “So, what’s the hot jam?  Oh, you girls keep me young.”
• Conversely, try not to sound like my mom while shopping for said nieces.  “Why is the music so loud in here?  Is that supposed to be a DRESS?”
• Let go of bizarre sense of shame that we are not – yet again – sending out Christmas cards.  We always have the best intentions but…yeah.  Not gonna happen.  Probably ridiculous since one of us is a graphic designer who could Photoshop in something fucking amazing but you’re talking about a couple who pull out the proof book when asked about wedding photos so let’s all adjust our expectations.
• Find a New Year’s Eve outfit that does not make me look like a teenage runaway hooking on the streets and/or a recent divorcee looking to get her groove back by way of animal print.
• Take Molly to have her picture taken with Santa. 
• Be really excited that shopping is done-ish.  Just a few little stocking stuffers and bottles of wine (aka The Gift That Keeps on Giving) left to go. 
• Wrap gifts.
• Get some eggnog up in this bitch.  Can you believe it’s December 12th and I have yet to take one sip of the stuff?  Bullshit. 

I’m feeling pretty excited about how the errand-running side of the season is pretty much done, leaving room for socializing, drinking eggnog, and trying to put antlers on the dog while she fantasizes about pissing in my shoe.*  Due to the four-sets-of-parents nature of our families, we are traveling AND hosting this year, which I thought would be weirdly stressful (so much time on I-5 coupled with the task of feeding nearly a dozen people for days on end didn’t really scream “relaxing”) but is turning out to be pretty boss.  The pressure to provide two magical, perfect Christmas meals has been lifted and that means less shopping and time chained to the oven and more visiting with loved ones and drinking eggnog.  Plus, we plan to put the nieces to work to help clean, set up and clean again.  Merry Christmas, girls!  Welcome to Auntie’s Holiday Sweatshop!

So, how are we all feeling about the holidays?  Overwhelmed?  Or kicking its ass and taking its name?  Or just drinking a shit ton of eggnog and hoping for the best?

*She has never actually done this, but if the disgusted look on her face is any indication, I think she’d like to.

• My cryotherapy appointment went off without a hitch.  The whole thing was 10 minutes from beginning to end.  And while I wouldn’t say it was fun, it wasn’t as bad as I had built it up in my crazybrain.  I head back to the doctor in January for a follow-up, where we will discuss the Uterus Lockdown and see where we are with that.  I don’t know if it’s the fact that I can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a pregnant woman, my boss’ adorable, sweet-smelling infant, or the idea that the option could be off the table for me altogether, but guess who has a case of Baby Fever (Or at least Baby Minor Headcold)? 
• Thanksgiving feels like a billion years ago, but here’s a quick rundown: it was loud, booze-fueled, delicious (more than one person declared it The Best Thanksgiving Meal Ever FUCK YEAH IT WAS), and my tablescape was simple but pretty.  New chargers were purchased!  We dined by candlelight!  I think I maybe got a picture of it on Ed’s iPhone, but considering that I had been sucking down mimosas like it’s my job* who knows!  Even the “kids” table (Ed, me, his sister, and her boyfriend) looked great. 
• Ed and I took Bubba to see The Muppet Movie and thank Jeebus the kid enjoyed it.  Sometimes I worry that all of the fast-paced, loud, explosiony stuff he sees in cartoons is ruining him for simple song-and-dance stuff, but he smiled a lot and told my parents they should see it, too.  One of the big plot points is that Jason Segel and a muppet are brothers and at one point Bubba leaned over to me and said, “That’s…weird, right?”  Nothing gets past him!  Also?  Kid, it’s not that much weirder than the 28 year age difference between us.  Just sayin.’ 
• Because hosting a major family holiday wasn’t enough, Ed and I threw our annual cocktail party last weekend.  One of our guests asked if he could hire us to cater an event.  I’m pretty sure he was joking, but between my love of making things pretty and Ed’s mad kitchen skillz this could be a Thing.  Something to ponder in the new year?  Ed stole a light-up drink fountain in the white elephant gift exchange, so expect the Classiness Factor of all our events to increase a jabillion fold from now on.  Seriously, we are taking this thing to every function we attend so that it can always feel like a wedding reception in 1987.
• I talked to David Sedaris before his reading and had to actively remind myself NOT to freak out like a big fat stalker and ask about his family members by name, even though he can’t really blame me since HE is the one who writes about them.  Still, it was a huge thrill and I laughed so hard I almost choked.  I also got inexplicably overheated and out of breath and thought I might pass out, but luckily I recovered before I became That Asshole Who Ruined David Sedaris for Chico by Calling 911 or Fainting in the Aisle.

Hope December is off to a festive, rocking start for all of you!

*Can we make that my job?  Because I am certain I’d be great at it.

Dad: “What can we bring?”

Me: “Yourselves, some wine, and toys and movies for Bubba.  Oh, and your immune systems since the stomach flu and a respiratory infection have hit our house.”

Dad: “Wine, check.  No diseases, check.”

Me: “Nope, I have those covered.  I’m even having the tablecloth infected with smallpox to keep the meal feeling traditional.”

Dad: “You are so weird.  I love you.  See you Wednesday.”

And SCENE.

• Tuesday – work function for CKD
• Wednesday – work function for Ed
• Thursday – David Sedaris reading
• Friday – cryotherapy appointment and Whose Live Anyway
• Saturday – more Thanksgiving shopping and preparation
• Sunday – Christmas Preview in downtown Chico

The aforementioned is in addition to full-time jobs and other sundry obligations.  This is where I cry-laugh at the helpful suggestions that I get some rest. 

Lest you think me the most ungrateful bitch ever, I must give my mom serious credit for fetching me a bag full of comfort foods and juices and delivering them to our house LIKE A BOSS.  Sure, she suggested that I be quarantined with stomach flu-addled Dave so that she and Ed could be spared, but it was still sweet of her.  And Ed has been dutifully heating up soup and making sure I get enough fluids (dirty!) so that I will be well enough to clean the house enjoy the holiday with the rest of the family.  Hopefully by this weekend my cough will be downgraded from Doc Holliday* to…well, GONE would be nice, but this is my respiratory system we’re talking about here so expectations are low. 

In happier news that matters to no one, the Great Hair Debacle of 2011 has been resolved!  It’s still shorter than I would like, but that’s the price you pay to have a bunch of fucked up layers evened out.  The appointment took two hours total, but it was time well-spent considering it now takes me maybe two minutes and zero swear words to get my hair to look decent in the morning so I’m calling this a win.

*Too soon?