The Cabbage Patch Doll Incident

It’s Crazy CKD Thursday kids. Today we move away from the food neuroses and into my generally pissy attitude that was in serious need of adjustment.

Enter Dave.

Let it be known that now, in 2008, neither one of us can recall the actual catalyst that set his plan into motion. I assume it’s because I was being a little bitch and needed to be taught a lesson, but it could just be that he was bored that day.

When Dave first moved in with us he was working as our apartment complex manager, which was a pretty sweet gig. Excellent break on rent, and he was home during the day with me when school was out. The only drawback? He was home during the day with me when school was out. He grew up in a LOUD family of five boys and while generally comfortable around kids, wasn’t really sure what to do with this overly sensitive, awkward, ridiculous little girl. So our days were spent alternately playing (swimming, playing basketball) and bickering (who drank the last of the milk? who ate the last cookie?) which must have been exhausting for the poor dude. Apparently no one gave him the memo that in addition to never getting involved in a land war in Asia, you don’t engage in the craziness of a child.

One day I must have done something particularly annoying, like called my mom at work to report that Dave made me a sandwich with tomatoes, and since I was allergic he was clearly trying to kill me. From here on, the details are a bit fuzzy, but there was much stomping and pouting on my part. I went back to my room and there she was.

My Cabbage Patch Doll was hanging from my curtain rod, my bathrobe sash used as a noose. I started shrieking and Dave appeared behind me and quitely said, “She was depressed. You couldn’t have known. Don’t blame yourself.”

Clearly I was pretty flipped out. I knew this was Dave’s handiwork and more than anything I was annoyed he had touched my stuff. Only child issues? Yes, right here.

Neither one of us is really sure what this was supposed to accomplish, other than showcase Dave’s sick sense of humor. And maybe pass some of that down to me, which he did. Well-played, Dave.


2 thoughts on “The Cabbage Patch Doll Incident

  1. i just fell in love with Dave. that is frikkin hysterical!!

    the thing that makes me scratch my head is – how comfortable must he have been in his relationship with your mom to pull all these stunts? or did he wait until they were married? cause it doesn’t sound like it…

  2. I know, right? He’s awesome.

    They had been together for about 3 years at this point, but he had just moved in with us. They got married 6 years ago for a fat tax break, which seems like as good a reason as any to me.

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