The Most Gorgeous Train Wreck You Will Ever See

Today my mom and I are indulging in our favorite past times: eating and mocking others.

Have you ever seen Say Yes to the Dress on TLC? It is a show all about real women picking out their wedding dresses at the famed Kleinfeld bridal salon in New York. It is also a study in family dynamics, passive-agressive behavior and tacky taste in fashion. Obviously I love it.

There is a marathon on today. I am feeling better so my mom whipped up some of her famous crab and cheese fondue and we’re avoiding the cold and crowds out there…and laughing our asses off at these women, their moms and bridesmaids. Some of the highlights:

-A woman is afraid that if her dress has too much beading, her fiance will leave her at the altar

-The bustiest woman I have ever seen this side of porn trying on dresses in front of her fiance, who CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT HER CLEAVAGE. On TV. In front of her mother.

-The (clearly single) sister of the bride refusing to crack a smile or tell her sister she looks anything other than “nice” in each beautiful dress

-A jilted bride has to make the decision to lose $6,000 on a dress and leave it at the store, or pay the remainder, take it with her, and hope that one day she’ll get to wear it. She decides to pay for it and keep it. (Sweetie, sell it on eBay and take a nice vacation!)

-A woman breaks down in tears after her mom tells her that her dream dress is heinous

Mind you, my mom and I are basically treating this show like Mystery Science Theater 3000 and screaming out when someone tries on something hideous or looks awful in a dress (which happens about every two minutes). We are also placing bets on how quickly each marriage ends in divorce.

The other great part is watching women freak out over getting married. Not freak out like, “Oh my God! I’m getting married! This is so great!” More like, “I’m having trouble committing to a dress because ultimately I am unsure about marrying someone and signing paperwork and legally binding myself to another human. But hey! Let’s try on some pretty gowns!”

Every commerical break also features an ad for the movie (and affront to all women everywhere) Bride Wars. I mean, seriously. Can I hear from the ladies in the house? Is the premise that the “perfect” wedding is more important than interpersonal relationships insulting to anyone else? Ugh.

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4 thoughts on “The Most Gorgeous Train Wreck You Will Ever See

  1. I love that show. It is SO ridiculous.Right up my alley. Feeling better, schmoopie? Oh, and thanks for posting the Alec Baldwin video. I loved the taste of his balls in my mouth back in the day. Today? Not so much. But I freakin’ love that sketch.

  2. I know, right? Insane and totally fabulous all at once. Elise is crazy. Feeling much better! You? I heart Alec Baldwin back then, but I’d still let him do some pretty dirty stuff to me. Call it nostalgia, call it the chardonnay talking…Me likey his Schweddy balls.

  3. I have never seen this show but my first thought is how is this on TLC the only thing you can learn from it is how ridicules Americans make their weddings.

    Also I saw "the curious case of Benjerman Button" last night and they had the preview of "Bride Wars" on my gosh though the whole thing was a joke then i relized it was a real movie!

    ❤ B

    P.S. Yes i still read this thing most of the time just don't know what to say.

  4. If you see an older episode with my wife on it TIVO it for me… I know she freaked a little even if she swears she was Miss Cool!!

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