Every Time I Tell This Story I Get “Love in an Elevator” Stuck in My Head

One of my worst fears came true this weekend.  I was stuck in an elevator.  Claustrophobic CKD was STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR AND COULD HAVE DIED OMFG!!!!!!!


OK, maybe I was never in actual mortal danget at any given moment, but at the time I was convinced I was going to die.  In the Concord Hilton.  During a conference.  Can you imagine? 


Basically, the hotel was overloaded between our conference, regular guests and a high school reunion.  There were serious lines to get into one of the THREE elevators available.  Yes, I could have hauled my ever-widening ass up the stairs but in my defense I am a lazy bitch had been up since 4am and was wearing heels.  So shut up, Judgey McJudgerson.  Anyhoo, each time an elevator was available everyone played the Let’s Test the Weight/Person Capacity of this MoFo Game and packed themselves in like sardines.  I have some fairly intense claustrophobia issues, but figured I could suck it up since I was only on the second floor (seriously, I will cut you if you judge me for not taking the stairs).


Some random dude who was not part of our conference gets on with a bunch of us who are all wearing nametags and whatnot.  I am pushed to a far corner away from the elevator buttons.  Also, away from the door, which tends to make me nervous.  I mean, if there’s an emergency I AM DEAD, right?  Since Random Guy Not With Our Conference is closest to the buttons he obligingly pushes half of them since every single one of us is on a different floor.  I quickly note my luck at being able to escape the elevator quickly (see aforementioned fear of ever being stuck in an elevator) once we get going.


We sit there for a good minute, chatting away and realize the doors have not opened.  We have not moved.  I flash to the scene in Speed where Keanu Reeves and Jeff Daniels have to save all those people in the elevator and realize I am fucking toast.  One of the women says, “I don’t think we’re moving.”  People chuckle and make jokes about being stuck.


“SOMEONE PUSH THE ALARM OR CALL FOR HELP RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I AM ABOUT TO LOSE IT!” is heard from the back corner.  Care to guess who busted out with that?  Yeah, it was one of my proudest moments.


Random Guy hits the DOOR OPEN button, mercifully they open and I push my way out of the elevator like George Costanza escaping from a kid’s birthday party when a small fire breaks out.  It was…bad, you guys.  Like, I hope-to-God-my-nametag-was-hidden-and-I-never-see-those-people-again bad.


To top off my streak of good decisions followed by normal behavior…I waited for another elevator.  Do you expect me to take the stairs when my legs are shaking?


Be proud you know me.


7 thoughts on “Every Time I Tell This Story I Get “Love in an Elevator” Stuck in My Head

  1. I’m impressed. If it were me, I think some people would have claw marks down their faces and eyes gouged out as I tried to make my way out. Seems like everyone involved was relatively unscathed. Nice job with those sea legs, Lt. Dan.

  2. It might be that because my place of employment relies solely on elevator travel to make a profit, or possibly it’s the fact that I myself have been stuck in an elevator several times but there is something about an elevator that is fun and scary at the same time. I’m glad you were able to make it out alive.

    Next time take the stairs.

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