As mentioned in yesterday’s post I am surrounded by new parents and pregos. Seriously, I’m like a damn fertility talisman or something, so if you’re looking to get knocked up we should totally hang out. Today I had lunch with a friend who is due in April, along with her mom and some former co-workers of mine. It was fun and of course everyone was asking her lots of questions about the pregnancy. They all asked normal stuff like, “How are you feeling?” and “Have you bought a crib?”
I usually throw out a question like that too in order to suppress my urge to ask one or all of the following which I maintain is way more interesting and possibly on the mother-to-be’s mind anyway:
- Are you worried the baby will claw its way out of you or try to hang on while you’re pushing?
- What’s the plan if it gets stuck in you while you’re pushing?
- I hear sometimes the baby is covered in hair or fur or something. Can you wax a baby? Or do you just hope it sheds?
- Are you afraid you won’t ever lose the weight?
- Is it just me or is the soft spot on the head super-creepy?
I should clarify that I want to ask pretty much ALL pregnant women these things, not just this particular friend. It’s a positive sign that I recognize that it would be totally fucked up to mess with a pregnant lady’s brain like that but it can’t be good that I wonder about this stuff in the first place.
And then I wonder why no one names their kid after me or trusts me to babysit.