Why the E! Network Will Never Hire Me

Some thoughts on the Academy Awards:

  • If Kathy Ireland interrupts Zac Efron EVER AGAIN I will cut her.  Also, is she on meth?  She seems exceptionally hyper.
  • Could George Clooney look more freaked out by Sherri Shepherd’s jokes about hooking up with him?  No.
  • Neil Patrick Harris: only you can rock a sparkly tux.
  • Not a big fan of the opening with all the Best Actor/Actrees nominees on the stage to open the show.  OK WE GET IT.  You are all SO AWESOME.  Except Gabourey Sidibe.  She can do whatever the fuck she wants because she’s adorable.  But Sandra Bullock needs to sit down and be happy she’s even allowed at these things anymore.
  • Yeah, that opening sequence thingy with Steve and Alec went on too long.  Did we need to poke fun at every single person there?  Probably not.  And why did Clooney look so bitchy?
  • Yes, let’s make sure we mention that Kathryn Bigelow was once married to James Cameron as often as possible.  Christ, that was two wives ago for him and they were married for about twenty minutes and IT HAS ZERO BEARING ON HER TALENT. 
  • Oh, Robert Downey Jr. and Tina Fey on the same stage=My lady parts feel funny.
  • Sweet baby Jesus, that John Hughes tribute was simultaneously horrifying (Molly Ringwald’s Crazy Eyes, Macaulay Culkin) and touching (Oh look, they let Ally Sheedy out!) and made me want to scream out “SUCK IT JAMES CAMERON!  You may be beyond wealthy but John Hughes was and is beloved by all!  Good day, Sir.  I said GOOD DAY!”
  • Kind of awesome when they cut from the Brat Pack to the current Young Hollywood Crew who looked utterly baffled by all these Old People.  Consider this one giant “Say No to Drugs” commercial, kids.  Also, they looked a little confused as to who John Hughes was, exactly. 
  • I have finally figured out what specifically bugs me in regards to Jennifer Lopez: her voice.  You’d think with all her money she could stand to take some voice lessons or something.  God, I just want to throw my glass at the screen when she opens her mouth.
  • I feel like I should love and be charmed by Penelope Cruz but I’m just not.  I want to be, but there’s something really weirdly fake about her.
  • Christoph Waltz, why are you so charming?
  • When did Captain Von Trapp get so damn old?  He seriously looks like he’s 102.
  • Good God, this pomegranate martini is awesome.
  • Why is Miley Cyrus even allowed near this show?  Get her back to the trailer park!
  • You know who would make a cute couple?  Rachel McAdams and Jake Gyllenhaal. 
  • Yay for Mo’Nique!   It’s gotta be rough sitting in front of the winner because Maggie Gyllenhaal’s bummed out expression was hard to miss.  Whoops.
  • Whoa, there, SJP.  What’s with the insane hair and unflattering dress?  And generally haggard looking appearance?  I have great respect for women who age gracefully but this isn’t it.
  • The Dead People Montage is so weird.  Like, we all know you’re supposed to applaud REALLY HARD for the Michael Jacksons and Patrick Swayzes, but the random cinematographers get this polite quasi-golf-clap.
  • Commercial=Another batch of pomegranate martinis!
  • Hey, Kristen Stewart: quit fidgeting and act like you deserve to be on TV.  Christ.  I’ve seen toddlers with more composure and grace. 
  • Fuck, I just broke a champagne glass getting the martini shaker out of the cabinet.  Fuck! 
  • Hellooooo, Zac Efron.  You just keep on lookin’ pretty. 
  • Heh, Morgan Freeman is narrating something.  He’s the new James Earl Jones.
  • Can I be Lauren Bacall when I grow up?  Great, thanks.
  • Shit, we’re doing interpretive dancing to nominated music?  Really?  Ugh.
  • Judge me if you will, but I cannot keep my eyes off Queen Latifah’s rack.
  • Gerard Butler and Bradley Cooper are presenting together.  Cue tabloid headlines about Jennifer Aniston’s empty womb of shame and heartbreak in 3…2…
  • Jason Bateman is straight-up adorable at all times.  And we can all agree he is more age-appro for me and quit freaking out over the old guys and jailbait. 
  • I have basically turned the Oscars into a drinking game.  The rules are… drink at any point all the time.
  • Can Steve Martin and Alec Baldwin host everything all the time?
  • Duuuude, I am drunk.
  • Can I have Julianne Moore’s hair?
  • Tim Robbins is so effortlessly adorable.  Funny story: I was at my dad’s when news of the Robbins/Sarandon break-up and my dad said, “Oh, Susan Sarandon is on the market?” at the same time I said, “Booya!  Tim Robbins is single and ready to mingle, bitches!”  OK, maybe that’s not as funny as it is weird and kinda gross.
  • Jeff Bridges totally reminds me of my dad: he smoked some good stuff in the 60’s/70’s and uses the word “groovy” unironically.
  • How did Sandra Bullock just win an Academy Award?  Jeez, quit sucking up to the other nominees…the faux-humility is getting old.
  • Kathryn Bigelow: Breaking Down the Vagina Barrier for Best Director!  Wahoo!  I haven’t seen The Hurt Locker and I really hope this isn’t lame-ass hype.
  • Did they really just play “I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar” as she walked off stage?  Fucking hell.
  • Oh snap.  The Hurt Locker won Best Picture.  I wonder if James Cameron is going to divorce her AGAIN just to show her!
  • I’m 99% sure Alec Baldwin tried to hump Ms. Bigelow.  Lucky bitch.
  • Wow, this show was insanely long.  That’s what she said.
  • Pretty sure the pomegranate martinis made it infinitely more entertaining.

3 thoughts on “Why the E! Network Will Never Hire Me

  1. i can’t say i was really impressed with the oscars this year.. it was bleeeehhhhh, and akward, everyone seemed on script and uncomfortable.. best part was james taylor… :o) loved your comments though, got a good laugh!!

    • The James Taylor part was great. I had higher hopes what with Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin hosting but they can only do so much. And it’s usually fun to see the dresses and such, but other than that not impressed.

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