There were some turkeys outside of my office this afternoon.
This is the sort of thing I have learned to deal with and accept and not question since moving here. A mama turkey and four baby turkeys wandering outside near the parking lot of our business park? Sure! Why the fuck not? Totally normal.
Except I sort of freaked out (internally) when it came time to walk out the door and past them. I was gripped with fear that if I even appeared to approach one of the babies (which I can assure you I WOULD NOT), the mama would come after me. And do WHAT exactly? I have no idea. Peck at me? Follow me to my car and shit on it? Throw up some sort of bird signal to other wildlife in the area and it would get all Hitchcock up in here? All I know is the fear was REAL and INTENSE and EMBARRASSINGLY PARALYZING.
I talked to a client for a few minutes to stall.
I thought about leaving through a different door.
I thought about just eating at my desk.
I thought about running to my car, driving away, and never coming back because this shit is outside the paint. Turkeys? Near my office? Nope. I’m out.
In the end, I just sort of… looked at the turkeys to gauge their awareness and slowly made my way out the door. Every couple of steps I would stop and look at them like I was totally fascinated not terrified by the scene because not only would MY co-workers totally be able to see if I lost my shit, but several other businesses have windows that look out onto the courtyard. Like hell was I going to make an ass of myself over some goddamn bird that can’t fly. Once I was confident that a.) the turkeys wouldn’t try to kill me and b.) no humans could see me I took off running to my car like I was being chased by a crazy person with a knife.
It goes without saying that I parked near the other entrance when I returned. And those sneaky assholes had migrated over to that end of the building. They have probably circled my car. I will feel zero guilt this Thanksgiving. It’s ON, fuckers.