Is there anything more annoying than thinking it’s Thursday when really it’s Wednesday? Probably. But that’s not stopping me from being weirdly pissed at myself for not being able to read a fucking calendar.
Nothing of huge note going on currently, so you’re getting one of my famous, patented,* cobbled-together posts. Enjoy!
- This morning my mom and I exchanged seven emails and possibly set a record for use of the word “cock” in one day, if not in one continuous thread. I love that my mom isn’t easily ruffled by cussing, but I wonder if every mom looks at her little girl and thinks, “One day, we’re going to jokingly use the word ‘cock’ and it’s going to be hillaaaaarrrious.”
- Speaking of my mom, we had a delightful Mother’s Day weekend that included the traditional stuff (brunch, flowers) and the non-traditional stuff (roller derby). She decided to go for the all-you-can-drink champagne with her brunch, which is shocking because she’s not much of a drinker and this place refills your glass every 2 seconds or upon each sip, whichever comes first. Basically: you will be super drunk by 10am if you aren’t careful. Anyway, after awhile, my mom said something unintentionally dirty and seeing my raised eyebrows looked at me and said, “That’s what YOUR MOM said!” I’m calling it now: best Mother’s Day ever.
- You’ll notice I added a “subscribe to my blog here” button at the top of my homepage, as a way to make it easier to have my
stories of dunken stupiditywords of wisdom and humor delivered directly to your inbox. I mean, it’s not mandatory, but I’m all about laziness so you can see why this would appeal to someone like me.
- We have booked a little getaway for Memorial Weekend and I could not be more excited. It’s nothing crazy-extravagant by any means but the thrill of packing mini bottles of shampoo and planning outfits and writing a packing list (yes, for one night shut up) is in full force. I am also slathering myself in Jergens Natural Glow to help take some of the glare off of my painfully pale limbs so I can wear a sundress as I sip wine on a patio without fear of blinding other people. It’s called being selfless, y’all. Look it up. We both admittedly tend to fall into a we-should-spend-every-waking-moment-with-family trap, which can spiral out of control quickly, as we discovered last year upon looking at our calendar and realizing we had not spent a weekend alone in over two months. I was feeling slightly guilty over not spending the weekend with some branch of the family tree (or better yet: driving all over the state so we can see everyone in the interest of fairness and also making me want to die), but I figure if we blow off everyone then no one’s happy and if we’re shooting for fairness then I think we nailed it.
Have a happy Wednesday (or whatever the hell day it is – obviously I can’t be trusted to know for sure) and may the rest of the week be filled with references to cocks. AS IN ROOSTERS. Oh my God you guys, you’re so gross!
*These are not patented at all.