Oh, You Know, Just Spreading Sunshine and Shit

Things That Have Filled Me with White-Hot Rage This Week:

  • Motherfucking bug bites all over my feet and legs.  We sat outside last Friday to enjoy our yard and some wine and oh, isn’t this so lovely and romantic OHMYGODMYLEGSAREONFIREHELPMENOOOOOWWW.  The itchiness turned to straight-up PAIN and after some crowd sourcing for some relief in the form of drugs, voodoo, whatever I think my magical combination of Benadryl and aloe vera has helped with the itchy-burning feeling (sexay!) but my legs still look like a horrible connect-the-dots game (super-sexay!).
  • I am convinced that the Jergens Natural Glow I had been applying religiously is basically mosquito food, so I have had to abandon Operation: Don’t Be So Fucking Pasty. Pale, bite-covered legs really bode well for my plan to rock a mini dress and be all cute and elegant like I’m Jackie O or Kate Middleton when we leave town.  Fuck it.  I’m wearing yoga pants this weekend.
  • NBC cancelled Best Friends Forever and Cougar Town hasn’t been on because of Dancing with the Stars and this is all unacceptable bullshit.  BULLSHIT I SAY!
  • I somehow managed to rip the back of my favorite black work pants (and no, I have not gained weight but this didn’t do great things for the ol’ self confidence) and was left wondering a.) when did this happen and how many people saw my butt? and b.) what the HELL am I supposed to wear to work at least three days out of the week?  I’m happy the tear was on the seam, but not really looking forward to that trip to my tailor. 

I am, however, buoyed by the knowledge that there are 30 bottles of wine fermenting in my kitchen and it already tastes pretty good so things have got to get better from here, right?


4 thoughts on “Oh, You Know, Just Spreading Sunshine and Shit

  1. I can’t do the lotion tanner because my mutant body chemistry makes it smell like a sexy mix of really potent cat piss and B.O. My solution? Mystic Tan (spray tan). I only do it once ever three weeks or so in the summer, but if you’re careful to use the “light” or “medium” setting it looks real and not at all Jersey Shore-ish, I swear!
    Also- I just noticed today that one of my favorite black tees has a big ol’ grease stain right on the boob, which has likely been there for a while as those stains don’t wash out without extra attention.

    Wine helps. Yes it does.

    • I actually did a Mystic Tan once years ago and liked it. I did, however, force my best friend to stand outside the door to make sure I didn’t end up like Ross in that one episode of Friends where he doesn’t count right and gets sprayed in the face 8 times in a row. She seriously had to scream “TURN NOW!” because I am an idiot. I should find out if our podunk town has one of those places…

      Stains on your favorite tee? THAT is some rage-inducing shit right there.

  2. Dana Holway told me about your site yesterday and I read it (at work) until I absolutely had to make myself stop and do something else. You are hilarious. And this is coming from a 46-year-old redneck guy from Northwest Florida. I can only imagine what’s going to happen when I share this with my wife, daughters and female friends. Keep it up and don’t let your wit go to waste! Thanks!!

    • Dana is the coolest, isn’t she? Haven’t seen that lovely girl in far too long!

      Thank you for the kind words of encouragement and I hope you enjoy! I lovehearing from readers so feel free to comment (or lurk, whatever, I’m not the boss of you) away.

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