Why I Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Speak to Grown Ups, Part 592

Last Friday my day consisted of my annual pelvic exam, an eye exam, and dinner with my in-laws.  My level of dread was in that order.  I survived all three, and while the pelvic was the least concerning in some ways (I’ve been to this doctor four times this year alone in the wake of CervixPalooza 2011), I couldn’t help but bring my own special brand of socially retarded with a splash of verbal incontinence to the table.

Me: “Hey, I saw you at the Elvis Costello show.  Did you have fun?”

Doctor: “Yes, I did.  Did you?  You should have said hello.”

Me: “Yeah, we had fun.  I didn’t think you’d recognize me since I had pants on.”

Doctor: *Blank Stare*

A few minutes later:

Doctor: “You look good.  Really good!”

Me: “Thanks!”

Doctor: “So, how’s your baby?  He’s about a year now, right?”

Me: “What?  No.  NonononononoNO.  No baby.  I don’t have a baby.”

Doctor: <Glances at chart> “I am so sorry.  I think I mixed you up with my next appointment – ”

Me: “Wait, when you said I look good, did you mean I look regular-good, or just good for someone who had a baby?”

Doctor: “Look, there’s no good answer so let’s start over.”

A few minutes later:

Doctor: “So you’ve been married two years, you’re almost 35…what are you waiting for?  Don’t you want a baby?”

Me: “Yeah, of course, but you JUST gave me the green light that I’m healed and I don’t know…life is complicated.  I’m not terribly maternal and who knows if I’d be any good at this.

Doctor: “You will be fine.  Hormones kick in and you’ll take wonderful care of your baby.”

Me: “I know I’ll be good at the regular stuff.  I mean, I can keep a person alive.  I’m not a damn idiot.”

Doctor: “Keeping the child alive is a good start.  Take it from there and maybe, uh, let your husband take care of the other stuff.”

And the grand finale:

Doctor: “Your ovaries are fine, your uterus tilts back slightly, go ahead and get dressed and we’ll see you in six months or sooner if you’re pregnant.”

Me: “Whoa, back up.  What about my uterus tilting?  What’s the deal with that?”

Doctor: “Don’t stress about it.  You’re a variation on normal.”

Me: “Not the first time I’ve heard that.  Ha!”

Doctor: *Blank stare*

Me: “Yeah, I’m gonna put my pants on now. Have a good Thanksgiving!”

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