Don’t Tase Me, Bro

My relationship with Ed’s dad has been a somewhat complicated one.  I wouldn’t say contentious, but not super-sunny, which is shocking because a.) I’m a fucking delight and b.) I am Old Man Kryptonite.  As much as I know he wanted his son to meet someone and be happy, I think it was a shock when we started dating because a.) we were pretty serious pretty fast and b.) I don’t think I quite fit the vision of what Future Daughter-in-Law would look like.  He probably expected someone with less sassmouth, more conservative, more into making pies and of, like, good strong farm stock.  And here he got this loudmouth city-loving liberal who, yes, loves his son and his entire family, but I am useless as tits on a frog when it comes to buying bull semen.  So building our own relationship outside of Ed has been an on-going thing.  Plus when you add in Ed’s divided attention (he has often been the go-to guy for his family, mostly due to logistics and geography), I’m sure there was a certain amount of mourning the times that he had his kid all to himself.  And I don’t begrudge him that at all.

Over the last few months I’ve noticed a change in his dad.  Nothing drastic but a more congenial vibe overall.  Then this Christmas he gave me my own card and signed it “Love, Dad #3” and Interweb, I’m not going to lie: I teared up a little.

And for my birthday he gave me this:

pink taser


Yes, I am the proud new owner of a pink stun gun.  Given to me by my father-in-law so that I can protect myself when I drive by myself or if I find myself in a concerning situation.  Pretty sure that as a an independent woman who self-identifies as a feminist and has managed to keep herself relatively safe and unscathed in this world, I’m supposed to be offended.  But I’m just…touched.  Truly.  He wants me – his family – to be safe.  And how can I be offended by that?

Related: if you hear about a man who has been tased by his wife after too much wine and a series of escalating dares, it totally wasn’t us.


3 thoughts on “Don’t Tase Me, Bro

  1. Yes! Yes! That is AWESOME! (Old School reference, in case you didn’t get it from the other 200 times I’ve said that to you) But holy hell, that is rad. I am sooooo jealous of you right now. I tried to get into the damn police academy just to fulfill my dream of tasing someone and all you had to do was get hitched to some guy with a weird over-protective dad. I don’t care if you don’t know squat about bull semen – YOU are my new idol.

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