Advice From Me to You

In the event that you find yourself helping out at a 10 year old boy’s birthday party:

  • Watching a documentary series on the American mafia will absolutely get you in the right frame of mind. I was in a “take no shit” mood the moment I stepped on the scene and those little animals could sense I had zero qualms about smashing any of their faces into a wall if they disrespected me.
  • Febreeze will help the smell of FEET that your car will instantly absorb after five minutes of three rain-dampened, stinky little boys chilling in the backseat. Or you can set fire to the car*. Whichever is more convenient.
  • Beer. Just… ugh, who even cares? It’s not like they’ve listened to you all night. They wouldn’t notice if you started shooting up.
  • Whose idea was it to take these heathens bowling? A nice idea in theory, to be sure: get them out of the house, pizza, a structured activity that will ideally wear them out. On the other hand: we just handed them weapons to fling at each other. Aces.
  • Take a minute to look at that big kid. He’s playing and joking around with his friends and looking so grown-up. When did he get so damn funny? Soon he won’t want or need you at his party. Sit back and watch him laugh and be the very best little guy you could have hoped for.

You’re welcome.


*AFTER the kids have exited the vehicle. I’m not a monster.


6 thoughts on “Advice From Me to You

    • They can smell fear. It’s good to assert your dominance by hitting one of them immediately. Like in prison.

      Kidding. (Well, not about the fear. That’s no fucking joke.)

      Congratulations, Uncle!

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