In the last few weeks I have managed to do the following:
- Shared the story of how, the first time I threw up due to drunkeness, I thought I was puking up blood, but it was just strawberry wine cooler. To whom did I relay this delightful gem of youthful shenanigans? My father-in-law.
- Took a pregnancy test* after coming home buzzed from happy hour.
- Drank jungle juice out of a red Solo cup like it was 1997 or something, after convincing myself that the fact that there was a ladle made it classy. My years-long streak of not drinking stuff mixed and served in garbage can was broken. But damn it if that shit wasn’t tasty.
- Sat stunned and slack-jawed when the power went out suddenly. Asked the dog what I should do, before calling Ed in a shrill, hand-flappy panic. Poured myself some wine and waited for him to come home and FIX IT SWEET JESUS I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DOOOOOOO I THINK AN AIRPLANE CRASHED INTO THE HOUSE THERE WAS A LOUD BOOM!!!!!
- Started this lame-o post without a 5th item to add here.
So, spill it y’all: anyone done anything awesomely idiotic lately? Or made yourself look even worse in front of your in-laws even though you didn’t think that was humanly possible?
*Calm down. It was a momentary “Why am I so tiiiiirrredd and cranky and ow! my boobs hurt whyyyyy? Oh, what day is it? Never mind.”
The actual thought that popped into my head at 6am as I groggily woke up and looked over at Ed:
“He is so the Jay-Z to my Beyonce.”
You know in movies where the storyline involves some sort of ugly-duckling-makover montage and we see the girl start out with frizzy hair and glasses and dorky clothes and then she comes down the stairs or the stylist spins the chair around and POOF! she’s gorgeous? I am totally That Girl right now!
Only, I’m still in the frizzy hair and glasses and dorky clothes stage. I have an afternoon of beauty all lined up (cut and color, eyebrow waxing, and pedicure, holla) so other than showering, I have put zero effort into any grooming whatsoever. Because why bother when a team of professionals will be undoing anything I did and fussing over me and making me look – let’s be honest – way better than I do when left to my own devices? Plus, I am a sucker for those makeover montages. Extra bonus points for ones that involve a shopping spree.
In other Beauty News, I have suddenly developed a weird interest/obsession with bronzer. Not Snooki-style or anything. Just Jergens Natural Glow stuff. I am the whitest person ever so you’d think this would be something I’ve been into since birth, but for the most part I’ve just embraced the pale. Or at least accepted it. I mean, who do I think I’m kidding, right? People who know me will not think that I a.) acquired any sort of pigment naturally or b.) suddenly jetted off to Hawaii and came back all sun-kissed. Sure, I’d use a little bronzer on my cheeks here and there, and I tried some self-tanner lotions on my legs AND there was one encounter with the Mystic Tan booth (where I was so panicked that I’d end up looking like Ross Gellar that I made Lili stand outside the door for moral support and to scream “TURN AROUND NOW!”) but it’s not something I invest a lot of time and energy into.
Why? Boredom? A sad attempt to will spring or summer to make an appearance FOR THE LOVE OF GOD? A seasonal urge to switch things up? The fact that I will be wearing a dress on Sunday and showing my legs for the first time in months? Who knows. I am an enigma wrapped in a mystery.