I Guess We Can Call It Progress?

I dedicate this post to my mom and Dave.

When I find myself posting about being giggly and immature, it kind of blows me away that the grown-up CKD is way more fun than her childhood counterpart.

People tend to be surprised that I describe myself as “shy” and am dead serious about that. “But you love parties! And blab all about yourself on the Interweb!” Yes, true. But getting to a point where I can make eye contact with strangers or not flip out when everything isn’t just so was a long journey. I spent much of 1981 with my head buried in my mom’s neck, and wasn’t much better by the time school rolled around. One-on-one I was fine. Talking in class? Uh, no thanks. My mom kindly refers to me as a quiet, serious child. I think the technical term is “high-maintenance and annoying as all shit.” Let me look that up and get back to you.

I was intense and OCD about a lot of things. Take laundry, for example. Once I was able to reach the knobs on the washer and dryer, the family laundry became one of my chores around the house. I was meticulous about sorting, of course, but folding was where my crazy really came out.

I wore a uniform to school, which meant my weekly laundry was 5 white blouses, 5 pairs of white knee socks, a few pairs of blue PE shorts, a God awful plaid jumper and of course my undies. Weekend clothes included maybe some Guess acid-wash jeans and a some dork-ass t-shirt my parents bought me from a museum.

So, you’d think I’d just hang up the blouses and jumper, maybe fold the underwear and pair up the socks (or just throw them all in a drawer) and be done in 20 seconds, right? Oh no. No no no no no! Little CKD had a process. And if you interfered in this process she would freak the fuck out BECAUSE SERIOUSLY, THAT LITTLE GIRL WAS NUTS.

First, there was the folding of underwear. I would fold my white little girl version of granny panties first (this was before thongs could be found in the toddler department, so underwear was only slightly smaller than my gym shorts), and then the colors. The undies were always arranged in piles of three. I don’t remember the reason behind that, but I do know that if my mom touched it I’d hiss or cry or react in some other totally normal way.

Next up? Socks, of course. White knee socks should be easy, correct? Just throw two together…oh sweet Jesus NO! Have you learned nothing yet? You know how you socks take on a certain shape based on which foot you have worn it? You guessed it: I would pair up the socks based on that to ensure my toes’ maximum comfort.

I haven’t even begun to describe the ritual Hanging of the Blouses, nor the care and love that went into folding my parents’ clothes.

Exhausted yet? Try raising this lunatic. Try reasoning with a nine year-old that the world will not end if her socks don’t match, or the grocery store is out of her favorite yogurt. Oh, did I mention I only ate ONE SPECIFIC BRAND AND FLAVOR OF YOGURT (Dannon mixed berry fruit-at-the-bottom, it had a blue lid, in case you were wondering) and if you dared suggest I try another one I’d all but crumple up on the floor and cry?

Man, I hope someone who wants to date me reads this.

Anyway, I guess my extremely long-winded point here is that yes, I am a ridiculous idiot who giggles over a bag of peanuts and loudly exclaims, “HEY! Who wants a NUTSACK?” But would you really want to hang out with Crazy Laundry Freakshow Girl? Yeah, me neither.

Can’t Take Me Anywhere

Things that have made me laugh as of late:

-the word “erecting” in a campus-wide email about the new construction

-the phrase “swinging steel” in the same email

-quoting select lines from Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure and Office Space at work

-doing Pee-Wee’s “Tequila” dance in the elevator

-singing along to “Good Vibrations” by Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch on the way to work

-Last weekend I accompanied my parents to buy a new faucet for the laundry room sink and totally held my shit together when the saleswoman suggested we get a “caulk hole cover” for the replacement. Say that phrase out loud. Now do it without laughing. I did, and then demanded my parents take me to ice cream for a treat. True story.

In other news, my current look could be described as Liz Lemon in Season 2 of 30 Rock. So I’ve got that going for me.

Area Baby Humiliated

Lili and Juno made it home to San Diego and sent off some pictures from their trip. I miss them terribly and cannot wait to see them again on Thursday.

“You have a baby. In a bar.”

Yes, we took the baby to my favorite pub for lunch. But in our defense, we really wanted to day drink. Here’s our girl showing a healthy enthusiasm for Guinness. Don’t judge us – it’s not like we were shotgunning Natty Light. I wasn’t sure if we could bring her in – since it is a bar – but they serve food, so I figured it was worth a shot. At the very least, it would be her first time getting kicked out of a bar, right? I pointed at Juno and asked the bartender if she was allowed in. He answered, “The baby? [No, her 30 year-old mother, you idiot.] Sure, as long as she’s not drinking.” My reply was, “Oh God, no. She’s driving.” Nothing from him. Not even a smile. Come on, that was a little funny! I was quick with the reply! Man, tough room.

And here begins the Baby Humiliation for Our Amusement photo shoot. You know she’s thinking, “Laugh it up now, bitches. I’ll be choosing your nursing homes!”

Please note Mommy laughing hysterically as Juno plots her revenge against us. Uh, Kid, your mom went through 30 hours of labor WITH NO DRUGS. She will dress you as she pleases. Deal.

If this entire outfit was available in my size I would wear it. In public. I am 100% serious.

This is a girl after my heart: pink, green and orange in one outfit? That’s what I’m talkin’ about! Every time I see her in legwarmers I start singing “She’s a Maniac” from Flashdance

Gonna Fly Now

So, I’ve fallen off the running wagon. It’s been…God, I don’t know, maybe two weeks since I’ve gone? I’d love to tell you the reason is some sort of injury, or that I am now spending that time mentoring an orphan, but you know me better than that. It’s been cold in the mornings and my flannel sheets are too comfy to pass up. Yes, THAT is the reason: I don’t like being cold. But I also don’t like being fat or out-of-shape so it’s time to make a choice.

My plan is to confess, and get back into my routine. I wish it were as easy as a few Hail Marys or something, but I know I will feel better, sleep better and look better when I get back on track.
Maybe if someone could meet me at the end of the run with a boombox – or a live band! yes! – playing the theme from Rocky these morning jaunts would be much more enjoyable. I would be accountable to someone else, and the guilt of standing up someone holding a boombox (or an entire band) would be too much to bear. So, if you could arrange that, Interweb, I’d appreciate it. Thanks!

Oh No, She’s Going to Talk About Babies Again

Well, Elisabeth and Juno left after their whirlwind Chico adventure. All I can say is that kid could be used for procreation propaganda or something. Quite possibly the sweetest, smiliest, cutest, chubbiest…sigh…most wonderful baby girl. I adore her and cannot wait to take her to tea and baseball games. Just have to make sure she doesn’t grow up a Padres fan. My God. Can you even imagine?

Aside from Juno’s sheer awesomeness, I was incredibly impressed by her mom’s complete ease with the whole motherhood thing. She’s so calm and relaxed and has a great sense of humor about it all. Not that I had any doubts she would be a fabulous mom, but seeing it in action was pretty nuts. I miss both of them terribly already and can’t wait to see them at their place next week.

My parents, as predicted, pretty much freaked out over both girls. They are huge Elisabeth fans and clearly are smitten with the wee one. My mom isn’t really a baby person but I had to pry Juno out of her hands and she insisted on rocking her in the same chair she used with me back in the day. I seriously need to get on the stick (so to speak) with scoring them a grandkid.

Pictures from our adventure in Chico to come…

Just, You Know…Some Stuff

-Co-sleeper thingy has been procured for Miss Juno’s sleeping comfort. Who is the best Auntie? Say it! SAY MY NAME!

-Menu preparations for Eating Fest 2008, Starring CKD and Lili, are underway as well. Just need to find some stretchy pants…

-I love Halloween and this time of year, but could really do without all the scary movies on TV all the time. Really, this delicate flower cannot handle it. Please make it stop. Thanks.

-My recent moods could only be described as “freakshow” if one needed to classify them. PMS+Visitor Anticpation=Weepy, Easily Excited Disaster. Lili is long accustomed to my crazy but poor Juno has no idea what’s in store. I mean, babies in general can reduce me to tears so let’s throw in some hormonal imbalance and see what happens!

-Who has two thumbs and is having a morning of beauty and pampering tomorrow? *Points to self* THIS girl!

-OH! Is it just me or is Robert Downey Jr getting hotter by the minute? Iron Man indeed.

Really! Seriously!

Sorry about the negative “WTF?” type post below. I don’t know where I get off thinking people want my opinion on things. Oh wait – I HAVE A BLOG and therefore think everyone wants to know everything I’m thinking. All the time. Like right now? I wish I had more Red Vines.

Anyway, to offset my negativity I’d like to take a moment to be all fairies and sunshine about the world.

We had a Campus Sustainability Day, which I know sounds like Hippies from Granola Mountain Earth Pals* but was actually a really interesting event here. I was impressed because Grandma CKD is always convinced that these darn kids today don’t care about the Earth or the future. They’re too busy listening to that 50 Cent character and playing with their hula hoops. Wrong.

The tables included information on everything from reducing waste on campus and at home to degree and certificate programs in environmental and sustainable fields. I spent much of my day fielding questions about our use of solar power, current construction and LEED certification, and what our campus is doing to ensure that the growth is respecting the wildlife refuge. Wait, did you know our campus is a wildlife refuge? Now you do!

I was impressed by how interested and excited the students were about the improvements being made to their campus. And thank God for Brian and Chris, who answered the more technical questions and kept me from looking like an idiot. Green Team!**

*Get that reference? Why aren’t we having babies together?
**Get that one? Why aren’t we having beers together?

Really? Seriously?

Yes, I’m stealing stuff from Roadtripper again. Back down, I’m still looking for a place for Juno to sleep and contemplating buying a stroller. Someone needs to stop me.

http://jezebel.com/5065573/palin-dudes-proud-to-be-voting-for-the-hot-chick

As someone with many intelligent, educated, well-informed and all-around awesome male friends and relatives (Hi Guys!), I am offended. The men interviewed here are a pretty sad representation of their gender. It’s like a bad beer commercial where a bunch of shlumpy, horny suburban dads are distracted by the Hot Girl. Because men are that simple and dumb.

This article freaks me out on so many levels, but I’ll try to articulate this as well as I can.

1.) “Proud to be voting for the hot chick.” Sarah Palin is a pretty woman, I’m not questioning that for one moment. We’re all human and crushes will be had on various public figures. (Ultra-nerdy aside: I once volunteered at a PBS pledge drive and developed a massive crush on one of the show’s hosts. I mean, he’s all into public television! How adorable is that?) But to vote for her based solely on her looks? Wow, way to concern yourself with the issues. I mean, world peace has spontaneously broken out, the economy is fabulous and our education system is the envy of the free world. Oh wait.

2.) “Who can’t trust a mother?” The world is full of mothers who aren’t wholesome, nurturing, kindly or whatever qualities these men are associating with motherhood. And isn’t Hillary Clinton a mother? Or does that not count because she only has one kid, while Sarah Palin has cranked out five (over-population be damned!)? (And if you think one kid is “easy” I invite you to ask my mom how easy her life has been since January 29, 1978.) Rush Limbaugh will tell you I’m just bitter over my empty womb, but I am appalled that a woman who has kids is somehow MORE capable or trustworthy than a childless one. I’m not saying she is any LESS so, to be clear, but I am not seeing the connection.

3.) “Palin is our kind of woman.” Really? Then invite her out for a beer, don’t put her in charge of the Senate. Personally, I want someone a hell of a lot smarter than I am – and definitely smarter than the men quoted here – running the nation. And you know what guys? I’m pretty sure she’s not REALLY all that into NASCAR, nor does she find your beer gut sexy. She wasn’t actually winking at you.

I’d love to hear from the men out there. Offended by this? Laughing it off? Do you support Palin’s campaign and feel she is qualified? Why or why not?

To Do

We have company coming in soon and I am giddy with anticipation. And to be honest, nervous and spazzy. I consider myself to be a decent hostess, but instead of the usual concerns like “Have favorite wine and snacks on hand” or “Make sure fancy guest towels are clean and ready” I have started freaking out over all of the UNCOVERED ELECTRICAL OUTLETS around the house. What if she starts crawling on Friday, licks her finger and shoves it in a socket? And where will she sleep? A crib? Mm, not something our family just has lying around at the moment. And what if that’s not just allergies and my mom has the bubonic plague and will pass it on to an innocent baby? I don’t care how well-stocked the fridge is, getting someone’s infant sick gets you on the shit list really fast. We’re not doing our usual bar tour of downtown, so I need to make sure this place has all the necessary provisions. Trader Joe’s, here I come.

So, my list looks more like this:

-Construct some sort of comfortable, safe place for the baby to sleep
-Make sure every surface has been fully sanitized so as not to compromise baby’s immune system.
-Maybe we should all wear those asbestos suits so as not to get any germs on her? Yes, buy those suits.
-Threaten all pets with bodily harm if they so much as consider coughing up a hairball near the kid.
-Have wine on hand for Mommy-Auntie happy hour. And cheese. And bread, oh God, don’t forget the bread. And olives…
-Seriously, has everyone washed their hands? NO TOUCHING THE BABY UNTIL YOU HAVE WASHED YOUR HANDS!

Don’t ask me why I’m being such a freakshow over this. It’s not like I am uncomfortable around babies. I have tons of babysitting experience and about 500 cousins. Oh, and there’s the matter of helping out with Evan when he was an infant. I know their needs are very basic at this age, and if we need to make a run to Target or Raley’s for supplies, we will. Serenity Now!

Can You Feel the Excitement?

I was having a pretty average Monday morning…spreadsheets, meetings, blah blah. Then I got an email from my number one homegirl in San Diego saying she wants to come up and visit this weekend. Would that be OK? Um, HELL YES!

So this Friday our home will host the lovely Lili and fabulous Miss Juno for one night before they head down to the Bay Area. Now we just have to get Juno a fake ID to get into the bars. Anyone? A little help here?

Chico best get ready for these ladies to hit the scene. See you in a few days!