This Can’t Be Good

Guess who woke up with a sore throat today?  Guess who is shitting herself because she didn’t get a flu shot?  Guess who has a raging case of hypochondria mixed with general craziness?


I’m not kidding about the hypochondria.  WebMD has only made it easier for me to self-diagnose and discover a whole new world of diseases.  In the past I have dagnosed myself with the following:


  • Anthrax
  • Unborn Tumor Twin
  • Unborn Tumor Baby
  • Avian Bone Syndrome
  • West Nile
  • Malaria


I’m hoping this doesn’t develop into anything serious since I have an insane week ahead of me.  Plus, I’m pretty sure no one can handle me when I think I’m seriously ill but just have allergies.


Completely random aside: how screwed is Tiger Woods?  I kind of love that his beautiful, elegant wife chased his ass down with a GOLF CLUB in the middle of the night.  It’s exactly as US Magazine says: celebrities are just like us, crazy pissed off wives and all.  Awesome.


Tired. So Very, Very Tired.

Hi y’all.  I have resurfaced from the Land of Shopping and Decorating and Errands, Oh Fuck Are We DONE Yet?


And I have been a complete joy the whole time!


It has been a busy busy weekend what with Griswolding out the house, decorating the interior, shopping for gifts, and shopping for food and booze for a party next weekend.  I am ready to slip into a coma.  Or eat pie.  And maybe have some wine.  Oh, and where’s that cheese I opened up…?


And appropos of nothing, Costco should market itself as contraception.  Five minutes in that place on a weekend and I’m ready to have my tubes tied.

Bucking Tradition

Today I participated in something I swore I’d NEVER EVER YOU CAN’T MAKE ME do.  Interweb, I went shopping on Black Friday.


<Pause for dramatic effect.>


Fun fact: in college I worked at Target for a brief time.  And always on Black Friday, when people are at their cheeriest and most gracious.  Oh wait.  I meant most wretched and fucking ridiculous.


M family had never really been into the post-Thanksgiving rush and I usually just shop here and there and prefer to spend the day in sweats eating leftovers.  Just like the Pilgrims intended.  I mean, I highly doubt they picked up those smallpox blankets on super-sale at Walmart.


And yet today, in an attempt to meet Ed halfway in his family’s traditions and near-manic holiday glee, I woke up before the sun was up.  Sure I threatened to murder my boyfriend unless he brought me some coffee, but my eyes were open, damn it, and we left the house earlier than we do on a normal work day.  Seriously,  I don’t even recognize myself right now.  Also, I have never seen so many people in velour pants in my life.


Bubba is getting a sweet-ass Buzz Lightyear toy and since I didn’t see Santa dodging the crowds I fully intend to take all the credit for its awesomeness.  Bonus: it talks and makes noises, which means it will definitely annoy my dad.  I also got a few more things for other family members, and Ed and his mom scored some good stuff too.  As much as I wasn’t feeling the whole gotta-have-it vibe of strangers, I must admit it’s nice to have a good chunk of shopping complete.


Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to consume mass quantities of wine and pizza.  Seems fitting after spending any amount of time at Toys R Us.

Happy Thanksgiving, Jive Turkeys!

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday and peaceful times. 


I am so grateful for so many people and things and sometimes I can’t believe how amazing life is.  I know that I bitch a lot, but I find that when I put it out there that I’m frustrated or hurt or just flat-out annoyed, the universe has a way of bringing good right back at me and reminding me that everything’s gonna be OK.  I am grateful for this forum in which to express myself and even more grateful for friends and visitors who read and laugh and commiserate.


If you are traveling, be safe.  And if you are cooking, I salute you.  Couldn’t pay me enough to stick my hand up a dead bird’s ass so way to take one for the team.

What to Wear Wednesday: Boot Quest ’09 and Holiday Festivities: Special Double Freak Out

This week CKD needs your help (yes, YOU) with a few wardrobe-related quandaries.


1.) Boot Quest ’09 is ON bitches and I am having a hell of a time.  Last year’s mission was accomplished during a visit to DSW and I fear I may need to, once again, drive hours away to find something a.) cute and b.) in my budget. 


Here’s what I’m looking for: flat/low-heeled (around 1″ or so) tall boots that can be worn with jeans tucked in, pulled over, AND, preferably with a dress or skirt.  Apparently this is impossible and I might as well shop for the Holy Grail filled with unicorn tears.  I am down with either black or brown, but was thinking a nice cognac color would be different and still neutral enough to work with my wardrobe.


Have I lost the guys yet?  Yeah, I thought so.  Moving on!


2.) For the last couple of years I have lamented the lack of holiday parties in my life that require some snazziness.  I haven’t worked anywhere with a “real” Christmas party since 2002 or so and I always enjoyed the whole dressing up aspect.  (And also the open bar, but that’s neither here nor there.)  The attire was usually somewhere in the “cocktail/LBD” range and I knew what that meant. 


This year, I am Ed’s +1 to his company shindig and I am at a loss as to what to wear for several reasons.  First off, the party is AT the office after work and I don’t want to show up looking crazy-over-dressed as everyone else hangs out in business casual.  Second, this will be the first time I meet many of his co-workers at the Bay Area office and I want to make a good impression.  Finally, these are a bunch of creative-designer-young-hip-Silicon-Valley types and I don’t want to roll in looking like a total rube.  I am not planning on wearing bib overalls so I guess I’m off to a decent start there.


So, dear harbingers of good taste and fashion, can you help the hopeless?  If so, go for it in the comments, email me photos, or kidnap my clueless ass for some shopping.

By Popular Demand

The recipe for Meatloaf Muffins!  It can be found on Rachael Ray’s website, too.  Dave also makes Stuffin’ Muffins for Thanksgiving and they are FABULOUS.  Say what you will about Rachael Ray not being a gourmet, but she has some decent recipes.


  • Vegetable oil or extra virgin olive oil (EVOO), for pan
  • 1 1/2 pounds ground sirloin
  • 1 small yellow onion, cut into quarters by a grown-up helper (GH)
  • 1 small green bell pepper
  • A splash of milk
  • 1 large egg, beaten
  • 1 cup plain bread crumbs
  • 2 tablespoons grill seasoning, such as McCormick brand Montreal Steak Seasoning
  • 1 cup smoky barbecue sauce
  • 1/2 cup tomato salsa
  • 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

Preheat oven to 450°F. Brush a 6-muffin tin with vegetable oil or EVOO.

Put ground beef into a big bowl.

Put onions into a food processor.

Cut the bell pepper in half and rip out the seeds and the white stuff and throw it away.

Cut the pepper into a few pieces (ask your GH for help if you need it) and add to the food processor.

Pulse the food processor to finely chop the onion and bell pepper. Add to the meat bowl.

Whisk the milk into the beaten egg and add to meat. Add breadcrumbs and grill seasoning.

In a small bowl, mix together the barbecue sauce, salsa and Worcestershire sauce.

Pour half the sauce mixture into the bowl with the meatloaf mix. Mix the meatloaf together with your hands.

Wash your hands well after handling the raw meat.

Use a large ice cream scoop to put the meat into the muffin tin.

Top each “muffin” with a spoonful of reserved sauce. Bake about 15 minutes. Ask your grown-up helper (GH) to cut open one muffin to test if it’s cooked through.


*It should be noted here that my role in the preparation of the Meatloaf Muffins is limited to hanging around the kitchen asking “Are they DONE yet?  GOD.  I’m STARVING.”  It’s essential, really, to keep Dave on task by alerting him to my level of hunger.

‘Tis the Season to Get Frustrated

I really do love the holiday season.  And I love shopping and finding great gifts for my loved ones.  There’s just one certain family member who drives me to the brink of CrazyTown when it comes time to shop.


Dad, I’m looking at you.


My dad watches sales year-round and tends to pick up things he wants or needs as he comes across them.  When I ask him what he’d like for Christmas he offers a vague “Oh, you always gets me nice things” with a wave of his hand.  DUDE, I need more guidance HELPYOURFIRSTBORNCOMEON!!!!


As of right now I am seriously considering writing him an apology letter for my behavior from 1993 to, oh, now and calling it good.


Other ideas include


  • New clothes.  And by “new” I mean variations on his current style, which is best described as Lumberjack Chic.  How many plaid flannel shirts and Levi’s does one man need?  By the looks of his closet?  There’s never too many.
  • New music.  The guy’s stereo has been hijacked by a certain preschooler and I fear he is losing the will to rock.  A man can only deal with so much “Wheels on the Bus” nonsense before he loses his shit.  And his street cred.
  • Something homemade.  But what?  Bubba has cornered the market on Adorable Handmade Goods and Shit That Makes My Dad All Weepy so I feel like any attempt on my part is just sort of lame.  And rude, like I’m trying to steal the baby’s thunder.  If my dad liked chocolate or peanut butter or any other number of things that normal people enjoy I could bake for him.  But no.  He has to go all high-maintenance on me.  Circle of Life, I suppose.


So, uh, any ideas on what to get the man who has everything, including a loving, if slightly whackadoo, family?