This Can’t Be Good

Guess who woke up with a sore throat today?  Guess who is shitting herself because she didn’t get a flu shot?  Guess who has a raging case of hypochondria mixed with general craziness?

 

I’m not kidding about the hypochondria.  WebMD has only made it easier for me to self-diagnose and discover a whole new world of diseases.  In the past I have dagnosed myself with the following:

 

• Anthrax
• Unborn Tumor Twin
• Unborn Tumor Baby
• Avian Bone Syndrome
• West Nile
• Malaria

 

I’m hoping this doesn’t develop into anything serious since I have an insane week ahead of me.  Plus, I’m pretty sure no one can handle me when I think I’m seriously ill but just have allergies.

 

Completely random aside: how screwed is Tiger Woods?  I kind of love that his beautiful, elegant wife chased his ass down with a GOLF CLUB in the middle of the night.  It’s exactly as US Magazine says: celebrities are just like us, crazy pissed off wives and all.  Awesome.

Tired. So Very, Very Tired.

Hi y’all.  I have resurfaced from the Land of Shopping and Decorating and Errands, Oh Fuck Are We DONE Yet?

 

And I have been a complete joy the whole time!

 

It has been a busy busy weekend what with Griswolding out the house, decorating the interior, shopping for gifts, and shopping for food and booze for a party next weekend.  I am ready to slip into a coma.  Or eat pie.  And maybe have some wine.  Oh, and where’s that cheese I opened up…?

 

And appropos of nothing, Costco should market itself as contraception.  Five minutes in that place on a weekend and I’m ready to have my tubes tied.

Bucking Tradition

Today I participated in something I swore I’d NEVER EVER YOU CAN’T MAKE ME do.  Interweb, I went shopping on Black Friday.

 

<Pause for dramatic effect.>

 

Fun fact: in college I worked at Target for a brief time.  And always on Black Friday, when people are at their cheeriest and most gracious.  Oh wait.  I meant most wretched and fucking ridiculous.

 

M family had never really been into the post-Thanksgiving rush and I usually just shop here and there and prefer to spend the day in sweats eating leftovers.  Just like the Pilgrims intended.  I mean, I highly doubt they picked up those smallpox blankets on super-sale at Walmart.

 

And yet today, in an attempt to meet Ed halfway in his family’s traditions and near-manic holiday glee, I woke up before the sun was up.  Sure I threatened to murder my boyfriend unless he brought me some coffee, but my eyes were open, damn it, and we left the house earlier than we do on a normal work day.  Seriously,  I don’t even recognize myself right now.  Also, I have never seen so many people in velour pants in my life.

 

Bubba is getting a sweet-ass Buzz Lightyear toy and since I didn’t see Santa dodging the crowds I fully intend to take all the credit for its awesomeness.  Bonus: it talks and makes noises, which means it will definitely annoy my dad.  I also got a few more things for other family members, and Ed and his mom scored some good stuff too.  As much as I wasn’t feeling the whole gotta-have-it vibe of strangers, I must admit it’s nice to have a good chunk of shopping complete.

 

Now if you’ll excuse me, I am going to consume mass quantities of wine and pizza.  Seems fitting after spending any amount of time at Toys R Us.

Happy Thanksgiving, Jive Turkeys!

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday and peaceful times. 

 

I am so grateful for so many people and things and sometimes I can’t believe how amazing life is.  I know that I bitch a lot, but I find that when I put it out there that I’m frustrated or hurt or just flat-out annoyed, the universe has a way of bringing good right back at me and reminding me that everything’s gonna be OK.  I am grateful for this forum in which to express myself and even more grateful for friends and visitors who read and laugh and commiserate.

 

If you are traveling, be safe.  And if you are cooking, I salute you.  Couldn’t pay me enough to stick my hand up a dead bird’s ass so way to take one for the team.

What to Wear Wednesday: Boot Quest ’09 and Holiday Festivities: Special Double Freak Out

This week CKD needs your help (yes, YOU) with a few wardrobe-related quandaries.

 

1.) Boot Quest ’09 is ON bitches and I am having a hell of a time.  Last year’s mission was accomplished during a visit to DSW and I fear I may need to, once again, drive hours away to find something a.) cute and b.) in my budget. 

 

Here’s what I’m looking for: flat/low-heeled (around 1″ or so) tall boots that can be worn with jeans tucked in, pulled over, AND, preferably with a dress or skirt.  Apparently this is impossible and I might as well shop for the Holy Grail filled with unicorn tears.  I am down with either black or brown, but was thinking a nice cognac color would be different and still neutral enough to work with my wardrobe.

 

Have I lost the guys yet?  Yeah, I thought so.  Moving on!

 

2.) For the last couple of years I have lamented the lack of holiday parties in my life that require some snazziness.  I haven’t worked anywhere with a “real” Christmas party since 2002 or so and I always enjoyed the whole dressing up aspect.  (And also the open bar, but that’s neither here nor there.)  The attire was usually somewhere in the “cocktail/LBD” range and I knew what that meant. 

 

This year, I am Ed’s +1 to his company shindig and I am at a loss as to what to wear for several reasons.  First off, the party is AT the office after work and I don’t want to show up looking crazy-over-dressed as everyone else hangs out in business casual.  Second, this will be the first time I meet many of his co-workers at the Bay Area office and I want to make a good impression.  Finally, these are a bunch of creative-designer-young-hip-Silicon-Valley types and I don’t want to roll in looking like a total rube.  I am not planning on wearing bib overalls so I guess I’m off to a decent start there.

 

So, dear harbingers of good taste and fashion, can you help the hopeless?  If so, go for it in the comments, email me photos, or kidnap my clueless ass for some shopping.

By Popular Demand

The recipe for Meatloaf Muffins!  It can be found on Rachael Ray’s website, too.  Dave also makes Stuffin’ Muffins for Thanksgiving and they are FABULOUS.  Say what you will about Rachael Ray not being a gourmet, but she has some decent recipes.

 

Ingredients

• Vegetable oil or extra virgin olive oil (EVOO), for pan
• 1 1/2 pounds ground sirloin
• 1 small yellow onion, cut into quarters by a grown-up helper (GH)
• 1 small green bell pepper
• A splash of milk
• 1 large egg, beaten
• 1 cup plain bread crumbs
• 2 tablespoons grill seasoning, such as McCormick brand Montreal Steak Seasoning
• 1 cup smoky barbecue sauce
• 1/2 cup tomato salsa
• 1 tablespoon Worcestershire sauce

Preparation

Preheat oven to 450°F. Brush a 6-muffin tin with vegetable oil or EVOO.

Put ground beef into a big bowl.

Put onions into a food processor.

Cut the bell pepper in half and rip out the seeds and the white stuff and throw it away.

Cut the pepper into a few pieces (ask your GH for help if you need it) and add to the food processor.

Pulse the food processor to finely chop the onion and bell pepper. Add to the meat bowl.

Whisk the milk into the beaten egg and add to meat. Add breadcrumbs and grill seasoning.

In a small bowl, mix together the barbecue sauce, salsa and Worcestershire sauce.

Pour half the sauce mixture into the bowl with the meatloaf mix. Mix the meatloaf together with your hands.

Wash your hands well after handling the raw meat.

Use a large ice cream scoop to put the meat into the muffin tin.

Top each “muffin” with a spoonful of reserved sauce. Bake about 15 minutes. Ask your grown-up helper (GH) to cut open one muffin to test if it’s cooked through.

 

*It should be noted here that my role in the preparation of the Meatloaf Muffins is limited to hanging around the kitchen asking “Are they DONE yet?  GOD.  I’m STARVING.”  It’s essential, really, to keep Dave on task by alerting him to my level of hunger.

‘Tis the Season to Get Frustrated

I really do love the holiday season.  And I love shopping and finding great gifts for my loved ones.  There’s just one certain family member who drives me to the brink of CrazyTown when it comes time to shop.

 

Dad, I’m looking at you.

 

My dad watches sales year-round and tends to pick up things he wants or needs as he comes across them.  When I ask him what he’d like for Christmas he offers a vague “Oh, you always gets me nice things” with a wave of his hand.  DUDE, I need more guidance HELPYOURFIRSTBORNCOMEON!!!!

 

As of right now I am seriously considering writing him an apology letter for my behavior from 1993 to, oh, now and calling it good.

 

Other ideas include

 

• New clothes.  And by “new” I mean variations on his current style, which is best described as Lumberjack Chic.  How many plaid flannel shirts and Levi’s does one man need?  By the looks of his closet?  There’s never too many.
• New music.  The guy’s stereo has been hijacked by a certain preschooler and I fear he is losing the will to rock.  A man can only deal with so much “Wheels on the Bus” nonsense before he loses his shit.  And his street cred.
• Something homemade.  But what?  Bubba has cornered the market on Adorable Handmade Goods and Shit That Makes My Dad All Weepy so I feel like any attempt on my part is just sort of lame.  And rude, like I’m trying to steal the baby’s thunder.  If my dad liked chocolate or peanut butter or any other number of things that normal people enjoy I could bake for him.  But no.  He has to go all high-maintenance on me.  Circle of Life, I suppose.

 

So, uh, any ideas on what to get the man who has everything, including a loving, if slightly whackadoo, family?

Resurfacing

My Saturday started with mimosas and ended with me vomitting out of the passenger side window of Ed’s truck as he drove me home.  How was your weekend?

Some of my highlights:

• Somewhere between the mimosas and the barf I went shopping with my mom and am actually about 50% done with my holiday shopping.  Go me!  While at TJ Maxx I saw/heard a little girl screaming “MAMA!!!!!!!” and realized no adult even seemed to notice.  I gave her mom a few minutes to show up, and when no one did, I approached the little girl to ask if she had lost her mom.  She had, and was about to give me her mom’s name so I could have her paged when this uppity lady stomped up and scolded the little girl about staying close.  She also shot me some sort of “Get the fuck away from my kid” look.  Sorry, lady, but don’t complain when your little one ends up in an Amber Alert all so you could find some irregular BCBG velour pants.
• The Griswolding of the House has commenced at Ed’s, although we won’t turn on the lights until after Thanksgiving.  With the threat of crazy storms in the next week, we decided to get a jump on the outdoor decorating.  And when I saw “we” I really mean “he” since I was busy shopping and…yeah.  My main contribution was quoting Christmas Vacation and suggesting sushi for dinner.
• My Girl Katie came to town Saturday and because CKD can no longer maintain her shit, we didn’t get to spend much time together.  She looks fabulous, loves Santa Barbara and it was awesome to see her and A even if only briefly.  I guess if I had to lose it in front of someone I’m glad it was her because she has seen me in waaaay worse condition and still talks to me but still.  What has happened to me?  I have slowed my roll to the point where I can’t hang!  This is BAD people.
• Seriously, I threw up outside a car window while the car was moving.  This isn’t the behavior of a grown woman.  Also, a waste of perfectly good Jameson.  And sushi.  I am so gross.
• Sunday was spent on the couch as I alternately moaned in pain, prayed for death and napped.  I missed Christmas Preview downtown because of my train wreck state.  Way to go!

I am finally feeling human again and will be back with daily postings.  I am finally getting into a groove with the daily (or near-daily) posts and no longer see NaBloPoMo as a nuisance, but as a goal.  Now if you’ll excuse me I need to continue Operation: Hydration.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

My cousin Brooke brought it to my attention earlier this week that today is International Transgender Day of Remembrance.  Now, while I identify as a friend to the LGBT community I must admit that until the last year or so I was pretty ignorant regarding issues in the transgender community.  It looks like my baby cousin has much to teach me.  I am not the best person to write about this subject (see: not an expert), but I love my family and it breaks my heart to think that someone else’s sister, brother, daughter, cousin or friend has suffered.

 

Violence and discriminations are two – sadly – common issues that transgender individuals face.  Whether or not you know someone facing these challenges I think, as humans, we can all agree it’s simply not right.

 

I wish peace and happiness to our transgender friends (or cousins, whatever) and hope that our society takes a collective stand to end the violence and discrimination.

The Reasons I Am Smiling Today 2: Electric Boogaloo

The heater has been fixed and the house is now fabulously warm and lovely.  And yes, I DO realize what a first world problem it is to have shelter and a home and be slightly inconvenienced by having to wear a sweatshirt or something. 

 

My mom declared me the winner is the Soup Smackdown of 2009.  This is HIGH PRAISE, ya’ll.  The woman does not dole out compliments lightly and has no problem dashing the hopes and dreams of her only child.  Plus, she really likes food so she knows her shit.

 

Dave is making one of my favorite dishes: meatloaf muffins (meatloaf cooked in muffin pans, which sounds crazy but sweet baby Jesus are they GOOD), likely in an attempt to redeem himself after his abject failure in the soup area.  Quick aside: I am kind of an asshole when I win, especially if the contest is only in my head.  I really don’t care about his motivation here; I’m just psyched to eat meatloaf.  The food, not the singer.  Gross.

 

My green puffy vest from Old Navy is so awesome.  The lining is like buttah and I look sassy.

 

New Year’s Eve in Mendocino!  Sweet!