The Most Gorgeous Train Wreck You Will Ever See

Today my mom and I are indulging in our favorite past times: eating and mocking others.

Have you ever seen Say Yes to the Dress on TLC? It is a show all about real women picking out their wedding dresses at the famed Kleinfeld bridal salon in New York. It is also a study in family dynamics, passive-agressive behavior and tacky taste in fashion. Obviously I love it.

There is a marathon on today. I am feeling better so my mom whipped up some of her famous crab and cheese fondue and we’re avoiding the cold and crowds out there…and laughing our asses off at these women, their moms and bridesmaids. Some of the highlights:

-A woman is afraid that if her dress has too much beading, her fiance will leave her at the altar

-The bustiest woman I have ever seen this side of porn trying on dresses in front of her fiance, who CANNOT STOP TALKING ABOUT HER CLEAVAGE. On TV. In front of her mother.

-The (clearly single) sister of the bride refusing to crack a smile or tell her sister she looks anything other than “nice” in each beautiful dress

-A jilted bride has to make the decision to lose $6,000 on a dress and leave it at the store, or pay the remainder, take it with her, and hope that one day she’ll get to wear it. She decides to pay for it and keep it. (Sweetie, sell it on eBay and take a nice vacation!)

-A woman breaks down in tears after her mom tells her that her dream dress is heinous

Mind you, my mom and I are basically treating this show like Mystery Science Theater 3000 and screaming out when someone tries on something hideous or looks awful in a dress (which happens about every two minutes). We are also placing bets on how quickly each marriage ends in divorce.

The other great part is watching women freak out over getting married. Not freak out like, “Oh my God! I’m getting married! This is so great!” More like, “I’m having trouble committing to a dress because ultimately I am unsure about marrying someone and signing paperwork and legally binding myself to another human. But hey! Let’s try on some pretty gowns!”

Every commerical break also features an ad for the movie (and affront to all women everywhere) Bride Wars. I mean, seriously. Can I hear from the ladies in the house? Is the premise that the “perfect” wedding is more important than interpersonal relationships insulting to anyone else? Ugh.

Happy Birthday Cappa! aka "That’s a Hot Tranny Mess!"

What, you thought I’d do a birthday tribute for Jesus? Nope. Today we are celebrating Courtney Cappa: fashionista, Facebook addict, and lush.

Cappa and I met earlier this year at Boy Chris’ bachelor party in Vegas, so I don’t have as many embarrassing or touching stories about her, but what I do have? Oh, there be some gems. And the photos? Oh man, the photos… Neither one of us will ever be able to run for public office.

Cappa apparently tried to break some sort of binge drinking record in Vegas the first night and was heard telling Boy Chris, as she leaned on him for support, “Sorry if I drool on you a little.” That right there pretty much sealed it for me: this broad is a keeper.

Cappa tried to take advantage of groomsman/nurse Jared’s surefire hangover cures in Vegas: IV hydration bags after said night of drunken foolishness. There was some mishap with getting this plan to work, but the sight of this hungover girl in a Vegas hotel room trying to rally for night two was inspiring. Talk about dedication to the cause.

Cappa offers excellent wardrobe advice, which is always appreciated by Girl Chris, the fashion retard. From what to wear to a wedding to a weekend in New York, the girl is spot-on.

Cappa preached the Gospel of Dunkin Donuts coffee to me, which led me to give it a whirl and fall head over heels in love. So, yeah, thanks for getting me hooked on something I can’t get locally.

Cappa’s birthday falls on Christmas (duh) but rather than whine about it, she chooses to see the positive: she never has to work, it’s festive, her family is gathered together…basically, the glass is half full. Of beer. Or Dunkin Donuts coffee.

Cappa got stuck with the bar tab Boy Chris and I rang up. As a joke, we got the bartender to transfer our tab to hers, and she “consented” by giving him a smile and a thumbs up. For some reason she still speaks to us.

Cappa, you bring the party with you wherever you go, and I am so grateful that my circle of friends now includes you. To quote you, “we are rad bitches.” Truer words were never spoken. Enjoy your day!

Such an introvert.

Merry Christmas to All…

Have a happy holiday, Interweb!

No Excuse Really

So, I haven’t really been on the ball with the whole holiday card thing. If you don’t get one, don’t take it as a slight or anything. I’ve been overwhelmed with saving the world…oh who am I kidding? I’ve been carousing, drinking, traveling and now I’m recovering from some mutant cold.
To make it up to you, I will share something that brings me great joy: a not-so-bloated Alec Baldwin and a joke which revolves around the word “balls.” Don’t say I am lacking in holiday spirit.

http://www.hulu.com/watch/4156/saturday-night-live-nprs-delicious-dish-schweddy-balls

Being Sick is for Crap 2: Electric Boogaloo

Hey, remember when I could breathe out of my nose? And talk for more than two sentences without coughing uncontrollably? Ah, those were good times.

This is total bullshit, people. The timing really couldn’t be worse. Today is my dear mother’s birthday (I would do a birthday tribute, but there’s no way I could sum up my mom in one post. Plus, she doesn’t read this.) and Dave is whipping up a feast unlike any other. As of now it’s uncertain if I will be a.) awake and able to partake and b.) able to taste anything should I be able to rally.

Oh, and there’s this thing called “Christmas” this week. Heard of it? The stores have been advertising it since August. Anyway, I had kick-ass plans in the Bay Area to see my dad and the fam, Elisabeth and HER family, and various other awesome friends who are in town. I have been looking forward to the gifts, eggnog (and Bushmills, oh the Bushmills!), wine, laughter, chubby baby hands, and time with loved ones. But I’m pretty sure no one really wants to be around me at the moment. It’s like having Amy Winehouse over: I’m either drugged up and incoherent and passing out at random, OR I’m freaking out, looking for more drugs, anything to make me feel better. Just substiture “Alka Seltzer cold medicine” for “heroin” in my scenario, OK? Being in this state makes things like operating a car damn near impossible, what with the matter of needing to be not asleep.

Silver lining: my voice is starting to take on a sexy, smoky quality. So, I might start up a phone sex service for the next week to bring in some extra cash. We’ll see how many people have a coughing fetish.

Being Sick is for Crap

Seriously.

For months co-workers have breathed on me and tried to get me sick and my mighty immune system has resisted. One flight without some Airborne and my ass is out for the count. I am seriously concerned that since I am getting worse rather than better with time (and rest and juice and soup and every other damn thing that is supposed to make it all better) that my Christmas plans will be derailed. So help me if I miss out on quality Evan or Juno time there will be HELL TO PAY.

My method of dealing with illness is relatively simple and foolproof. I generally just need some juice, drugs and rest. Maybe some movies. For the most part I just want to be left alone and sleep it off. But maybe if I shout my will to be breathe again from the rooftops (or, you know, this blog) good health will once again be mine.

If you’ll excuse me now I’m going to cough into my pillow and watch Talladega Nights.

All Baby, All the Time

Lili and I are embarking on a little project together:

http://awesomebabyjuno.blogspot.com/

Unlike past “projects” of ours this is totally legal, our parents can know about it and it’s unlikely either one of us will lose our underwear in the process. Woo!

Miss Juno clearly needs her own space and I feel a little weird throwing in updates and baby photos of her here mixed in with my talk of boozin’ and sexin’ up Tina Fey. So, check out the new blog if you are so inclined. However, as a proud Auntie, I will still post the occasional photo of the wee girl on this site because I adore her to pieces…in case that wasn’t obvious.

Next Stop: Denny’s Early Bird Special

Something about being sick (or just sickly) makes me feel haggard and tired and old. CKD is not digging this feeling, people. It’s sapping my enjoyment of the season and if I am going to survive the schedule for next week it’s clear I am going to need all the energy I can get.

Other things that are making me feel a little less than hot and vivacious?

-The look on Coffee Guy’s face when I told him my age. (To my credit, I probably could have shaved a year or two off and gotten away with it, but went for the honest route.) You could tell he wanted to ask what it was like when dinosaurs roamed the Earth.

-The discussion I’ve been having with a girlfriend about eye creams, crows feet and the like. She is crazy-hot though so I am taking any advice she’s got.

It’s really just a matter of days before I start smelling like BenGay and eating dinner at 4:30 in the afternoon. Someone get me a housecoat and let’s just call it good, OK? Hey you kids! Get off my lawn!

I’ve Got a Gun, Let’s Go to a Broadway Show

Despite the heartbreaking absence of a Tina Fey sighting, New York was awesome. Absolutely amazing, really. There’s really no way for me to talk about the trip in any sort of interesting meaningful way, so I’ll just hit you with the highlights:

*Not sure how to express my newfound love for Dunkin’ Donuts coffee, but let’s just say it’s a good thing it’s totally acceptable for me to put that stuff in my mouth because OH MAN DO I LOVE DUNKIN’ DONUTS COFFEE.

This one’s for you, Cappa.

*In keeping with the theme of my life, “I am a Lonely Nerd” I was exceedingly excited about our trip to the New York Public Library. My purse was searched about 870 times while there, which is funny considering it’s mostly closed stacks. What do the guards think I have in there? A painting off the wall? Also, are we concerned that the security at a library is more intense than the security at the airport? I spent a fair amount of time trying to find the exact location where Big ditches Carrie and think I succeeded.

*Walking across the Brooklyn Bridge made me feel like I was in a movie. That may be because I regaled Kevin with the entire plot of the Sex and the City movie and explained its significance to Miranda’s storyline which I still maintain was total bullshit but whatever. No one asked me, right? But the bridge was awesome in spite of the wind. My Dunky’s kept me warm.

*Have you been to the Met? If so, did your head almost spin off of your neck due to the sheer awesomeness of it all? I was actually a little dizzy by the time we reached the Egyptian temple, but that may have been a caffeine buzz from Dunky’s.

*Rockefeller Center…yeah, no Tina, but still pretty awesome all-around.

*Taking the ferry to Staten Island is a good (read: free) way to see the Statue of Liberty, but without all of the waiting around and crowds and such. Also, if you leave the ferry terminal, cross the street and make a right, you will find a Dunkin’ Donuts. Fun fact.

*Did you know that I can walk around an amazing city and relate everything to an episode of Sex and the City or Law & Order? Did I mention I’m still single?

*Speaking of Law & Order, I saw Anthony Anderson and did not point and shriek, “OHMYGODLAWANDORDERILOVEYOUWHERE’SJACKMCCOYAAAHHHH!” So, I might actually be growing up a bit. Who knew?

*For all of its touristy cheesiness, the Empire State Building was more than worth the wait in line. We lucked out with a gloriously clear evening, but CKD could have used some space heaters up there.

“Bring your green hat.” What’s up? Everything’s cool…I’m NOT AFRAID OF HEIGHTS and kind of dying inside a little about being 86 stories up in the air. Nope, not me. Totally casual and cool. Really. I’m not clinging to another person as if my life depended on it.

Oh, and obviously the very best part ever of New York was quality time with one of my oldest and dearest friends. Duh. Thanks for a fantastic weekend, Kevin! You rock!

On the Move

Look who’s crawling! Let the babyproofing of the house begin!

Juno says, “I’m outta here, bitches. I’ve got some friends to meet for cocktails down at Whistle Stop. Peace out.”

“Hey guys…remember those months where you could set me down and I’d just chill there for awhile and you didn’t have to worry about me moving? Yeah, those were good times. Kiss them goodbye.”

Rockin’ the accessories like her Mama taught her.