This Isn’t Even the Most Immature Thing I Said Yesterday

Background information: Ed’s CEO gave everyone iPads as a Christmas gift* yesterday.

Me: “Is it awesome?  Do you love it?”

Ed: “Yeah, it’s pretty great.  I’ll pull it out in a minute.”

Me: “And then you’ll show me the iPad?  Hey-OH!” *Puts hand up for him to high-five*

Ed *long sigh followed by an enthusiastic high-five: “Good one.  That was solid.”




*Ed said it was the most “I was in Oprah’s audience” type moment in his life.  At first they pretended the gifts were tote bags, and then they told everyone that INSIDE each tote bag was an iPad.


Reasons Why I Love My Friends, Part 523

Part of an actual email sent to me:

Thank you for the hospitality.  Sorry I yacked in your toilet.  I had too much brie and sangria.  It was a great party though. 

She’s right: it was a great party. 

I think our new house motto will be “Come for the brie and sangria, stay for the high thread count sheets and clean toilet for your barfing comfort.”

Huh Huh You Said “Do”

On my holiday to do list, in no particular order:

  • Return duplicate gift for one niece and purchase replacement gift.
  • Try not to sound like Regina George’s mom while shopping for said nieces.  “So, what’s the hot jam?  Oh, you girls keep me young.”
  • Conversely, try not to sound like my mom while shopping for said nieces.  “Why is the music so loud in here?  Is that supposed to be a DRESS?”
  • Let go of bizarre sense of shame that we are not – yet again – sending out Christmas cards.  We always have the best intentions but…yeah.  Not gonna happen.  Probably ridiculous since one of us is a graphic designer who could Photoshop in something fucking amazing but you’re talking about a couple who pull out the proof book when asked about wedding photos so let’s all adjust our expectations.
  • Find a New Year’s Eve outfit that does not make me look like a teenage runaway hooking on the streets and/or a recent divorcee looking to get her groove back by way of animal print.
  • Take Molly to have her picture taken with Santa. 
  • Be really excited that shopping is done-ish.  Just a few little stocking stuffers and bottles of wine (aka The Gift That Keeps on Giving) left to go. 
  • Wrap gifts.
  • Get some eggnog up in this bitch.  Can you believe it’s December 12th and I have yet to take one sip of the stuff?  Bullshit. 

I’m feeling pretty excited about how the errand-running side of the season is pretty much done, leaving room for socializing, drinking eggnog, and trying to put antlers on the dog while she fantasizes about pissing in my shoe.*  Due to the four-sets-of-parents nature of our families, we are traveling AND hosting this year, which I thought would be weirdly stressful (so much time on I-5 coupled with the task of feeding nearly a dozen people for days on end didn’t really scream “relaxing”) but is turning out to be pretty boss.  The pressure to provide two magical, perfect Christmas meals has been lifted and that means less shopping and time chained to the oven and more visiting with loved ones and drinking eggnog.  Plus, we plan to put the nieces to work to help clean, set up and clean again.  Merry Christmas, girls!  Welcome to Auntie’s Holiday Sweatshop!

So, how are we all feeling about the holidays?  Overwhelmed?  Or kicking its ass and taking its name?  Or just drinking a shit ton of eggnog and hoping for the best?



*She has never actually done this, but if the disgusted look on her face is any indication, I think she’d like to.

Back in Action

Wow, I was a pretty big NaBloPoMo FAIL, wasn’t I?  Well, it’s a new month. *Claps hands together* Let’s get reacquainted!

  • My cryotherapy appointment went off without a hitch.  The whole thing was 10 minutes from beginning to end.  And while I wouldn’t say it was fun, it wasn’t as bad as I had built it up in my crazybrain.  I head back to the doctor in January for a follow-up, where we will discuss the Uterus Lockdown and see where we are with that.  I don’t know if it’s the fact that I can’t swing a dead cat without hitting a pregnant woman, my boss’ adorable, sweet-smelling infant, or the idea that the option could be off the table for me altogether, but guess who has a case of Baby Fever (Or at least Baby Minor Headcold)? 
  • Thanksgiving feels like a billion years ago, but here’s a quick rundown: it was loud, booze-fueled, delicious (more than one person declared it The Best Thanksgiving Meal Ever FUCK YEAH IT WAS), and my tablescape was simple but pretty.  New chargers were purchased!  We dined by candlelight!  I think I maybe got a picture of it on Ed’s iPhone, but considering that I had been sucking down mimosas like it’s my job* who knows!  Even the “kids” table (Ed, me, his sister, and her boyfriend) looked great. 
  • Ed and I took Bubba to see The Muppet Movie and thank Jeebus the kid enjoyed it.  Sometimes I worry that all of the fast-paced, loud, explosiony stuff he sees in cartoons is ruining him for simple song-and-dance stuff, but he smiled a lot and told my parents they should see it, too.  One of the big plot points is that Jason Segel and a muppet are brothers and at one point Bubba leaned over to me and said, “That’s…weird, right?”  Nothing gets past him!  Also?  Kid, it’s not that much weirder than the 28 year age difference between us.  Just sayin.’ 
  • Because hosting a major family holiday wasn’t enough, Ed and I threw our annual cocktail party last weekend.  One of our guests asked if he could hire us to cater an event.  I’m pretty sure he was joking, but between my love of making things pretty and Ed’s mad kitchen skillz this could be a Thing.  Something to ponder in the new year?  Ed stole a light-up drink fountain in the white elephant gift exchange, so expect the Classiness Factor of all our events to increase a jabillion fold from now on.  Seriously, we are taking this thing to every function we attend so that it can always feel like a wedding reception in 1987.
  • I talked to David Sedaris before his reading and had to actively remind myself NOT to freak out like a big fat stalker and ask about his family members by name, even though he can’t really blame me since HE is the one who writes about them.  Still, it was a huge thrill and I laughed so hard I almost choked.  I also got inexplicably overheated and out of breath and thought I might pass out, but luckily I recovered before I became That Asshole Who Ruined David Sedaris for Chico by Calling 911 or Fainting in the Aisle.

Hope December is off to a festive, rocking start for all of you!

*Can we make that my job?  Because I am certain I’d be great at it.